The Lonely One
by ASongtobesung
Summary: A summary will come once I'm done writing this story.
1. Chapter 1

The Lonely

The bedroom was dark. The house, silent. Her knees were pulled in tight to her chest. Her blonde hair fell in every direction. It had been at least a year, if not more. Yet the wounds were still fresh. The damp sports bra was a reminder. She was trying to outrun the pain. Outrun something that was in her mind. Something she knew was gone. Her breath came in short, shallow gasps. The tears streamed down her cheeks as they did every night. During the day she was able to keep some semblance of composure, but it was at night, when she was alone, that she lost it. The memories came flooding back as she lay in her bed, wishing for the sleep that would never come. She hadn't slept since that day long, long ago. The only reason she was alive was her magic. And it was slowly dissipating. She buried her head in her knees as she was forced down memory lane.

"_Find the little bitch!" she remembered him saying. The little bitch was her. She was only 11, he appeared to be 21. She ran and ran, clutching the golden ring close to her body. The bullets ricocheted on either side of her, but never hitting her, maybe on purpose, maybe the redhead with the gun just had terrible aim. Either way, she needed to get away, so she did. She teleported herself to Russia, where she was born. As she slipped the ring onto her finger, it shrunk to fit her petite hand. A surge of power rushed through her; it felt like being tazed, throwing her to the ground. Over and over she felt that same surge, pushing her closer to death, then the sensation of being stabbed in the abdomen. Her tiny heart was giving up when a bright gold light appeared in front of her. The same redhead and the dark haired man were standing above her. He crouched down and reached for her hand. "Just give it back and it'll be alright." He said with a devious smirk._

"_No." She spat in his face, pulling her hand from his reach. He inched closer but she unleashed a string of Russian curses and teleported herself away with his ring, hiding it in the depths of limbo for years._

"You should have just given it back to him, Illyana." She whispered to herself shakily. "You'd be perfectly happy now. This wouldn't be happen-" she cut herself off with a violent cough, a side effect of the magic.

There was a soft knock on the door downstairs, but she purposely ignored it. The people who come around and knock on doors at 2 am never want anything good. She felt her heart beat slowly; trying to lull her mind into sleep, but sleep wouldn't1 come. "There's no rest for the wicked," she said solemnly. The soft blankets wrapped themselves around her body, warming her icy cold skin. The fire in her heart was almost out. The blood in her veins was close to stopping. She let go of her mental barriers, letting the memories, good and bad, come back. Letting the hidden memories remind her of the times in her life when she was feeling both of the two extremes.

"_Good morning, my love." He whispered softly as he kissed her cheek. Her eyes hadn't even opened and the day was already amazing. She rolled onto her side and curled up into a ball._

"_Five more minutes." She groaned sleepily, but he was intent on getting her up. His nimble fingers found her sensitive spots and tickled her until she was crying from laughter._

"_Beg for mercy, love, and I will stop." He said with a devious smirk, his fingers threatening to continue tickling her._

"_I never beg." She said adamantly, while nimbly moving off the bed. He got up and wrapped his strong arms around her waist, picking her up and spinning her around, their combined laughter echoed the apartment. After a minute or two he put her down, grinning from ear to ear. His arms now found their way around her waist and pulled her close. Slowly, she put her arms around his neck. "What are we doing today?" she asked softly, the hint of a yawn rumbled in her throat._

"_Get dressed and you'll see." He said with a smile. She eyed him curiously, but obliged. A red shirt, and blue jean shorts were the first things she found, along with black flats. She put her long blonde hair up into a neat ponytail, and then brushed her teeth. She walked back to him to see he was dressed as well, his hand extended for her. Gladly, she took it and interlocked their fingers. _

"_Where are we going?" She asked as he pulled her out the door and into the park. She started to ask more questions but he continued to pull her deeper and deeper into the park. Soon her curiosity died down and she just reveled in the sun on her skin. The trees around her, the people enjoying their day, his hand joined with hers. This day was perfect, and she had only been up for twenty minutes. One street performer had a guitar and was singing I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz. He stopped walking and smiled at her. She wrapped her arms back around his neck and looked into his eyes, smiling. He unwrapped her arms from his neck, warranting a strange look from her. Taking a step back he lowered himself down onto one knee. The tiniest of gasps escaped her lips. He smiled genuinely and took her hand in his. He made a very simple gold and emerald ring appear in his hand as he smiled. _

"_Illyana Rasputina, you taught me how to love again. Would you make me the happiest man in all the nine realms and marry me?" Tears welled in her eyes while she nodded. Trying to get the words out._

"_Yes." She finally said, he let out a tiny sigh in relief, almost too small for her to notice, but she did. As he slipped the ring onto her finger, she pulled him up and kissed him softly. "Did you think I was going to say no?" She asked softly._

"_I know you have other commitments in life and I would have understood if this one was too much." She couldn't help but laugh slightly._

"_Do you think I could ever say no to you?" Her head was resting on his chest, his hands wrapped protectively around her. He yielded with a hearty laugh._

"_I guess not, my dear. I am happier then you could imagine." She smiled and listened to his heartbeat._

The knocking was incessant. She groaned and buried her head in the pillows. Wiping the happy memory from her mind. The room grew colder and she curled closer into herself, trying to keep the sickness at bay, she knew she wouldn't last to see the sun rise. She had been getting sicker and sicker. Any attempt of using magic, at all, just made her sicker. She knew only one person who could help her, but he was long gone.

_She hadn't meant to scare him, only to tell him she recognized his immense power. But now he had her on the ground, on her back, his foot was on her chest, slowly pressing the air out of her lungs. She tried to use her magic to teleport earlier, but he had just brought her right back. She cursed in Russian and tried to breathe, but nothing happened, he was slowly killing her. She closed her eyes and focused on making her sword appear, the was the one part of her powers that she still hadn't mastered, making the sword made out of her soul, appear when she wanted it. Suddenly she felt the surge of power in her right hand. The sword's grip appeared in her hand and the blade shot out, crackling and sparking with the power of a trapped live soul. Almost immediately he moved his foot from her chest and extended his hand to her. She took it, holding the sword in her other hand, he pulled her up until she was upright, the top of her head coming to the middle of his chest. He looked up and down her still petite form._

"_Who are you?" He asked even though he already knew. Telepathy via magic was being exchanged, going unnoticed by both of them on the receiving end._

"_Illyana Nikolievna Rasputina." She said, her Russian accent peeking through when she pronounced her middle name. "And who would you be?" She asked, hesitantly making her sword disappear, she didn't need to be deprived of oxygen again._

"_Doctor Strange, the mightiest magician in all the cosmos." He said while taking her hand and kissing it softly. "A pleasure to meet you Mrs. Rasputina." He said, noting the small gold ring around her finger._

"_Oh," she said with a crimson blush, "I'm not married." She hastily took the ring off her finger and made a black chord appear, she knotted the ring on the chord then slipped it over her hair, the ring fell to the neckline of her shirt._

"_A beautiful woman, like you, not married yet?" He asked, even though his telepathy had told him all of this already._

"_Unfortunately I'm not." She said jokingly. She hadn't really cared for marriage, she hadn't found the right person, and starting a family was something she was greatly against. He picked up these vibes from her and nodded._

"_I'm sorry, I just assumed." He said gently letting go of her hand. She felt a surge of power and a nearby street sign erupted into flames. Cursing under her breath in Russian, she tried to put out the fire. He looked at her curiously. "You haven't mastered your powers yet?" _

"_Yes- I mean no- wait yes." She groaned. He used his magic and put out the fire. "Thank you." She said softly, blushing even redder as her embarrassment grew. He smiled; quite amused that she was getting so flustered and embarrassed around him. He leaned forward and kissed her softly. _

"_Until we meet again Ms. Rasputina." He said before he teleported away, leaving her standing on a small town street, shocked and dazed. _

"You died and left me alone." She said angrily to someone who wasn't there. The knocking had ceased but she could still hear the pounding in her head; 1 and 2 and 3 and 4. Over and over, refusing to cease. The pain echoed throughout her entire body, amplifying the sobs that had exhausted her tears. Yet, with so much pain, she couldn't stop them from tapping into her magic to replenish her body's supply of tears. She felt her power slip out of her body as each tear formed and fell down her cheek.

_The entrance to the tunnel was her only way out, her blood boiled in her veins. Her feet ached from all the running, but she had to keep going. Belasco was sure to notice she was gone. He would send the demons after her. The torture she had endured was enough to make grown men beg for mercy, but the sorcery he had imbued into her bones kept her alive. For thirteen-year-old girl she was gravely underweight, affecting her height, but not affecting her strength. It was odd, but she didn't complain. The tunnel twisted and turned. Rocks jutted up from the ground._

_"ILLYANA!" A demonic voice roared out from behind her. It started her so much that she tripped over a rock and went tumbling, falling off a cliff, barely grabbing on to the ledge. The fire underneath licked at her ankles; she scraped at the ground trying to climb further up. The ground shook, loosening her grip on the scalding hot rock. "How dare you?!" He screamed as he came into view. Horns sprouted out from his red skin. For some reason he reminded her of Azazel. The man used to be human, that much she was sure of, his body wasn't formed like the other demon-lords she had seen in the history books buried deep within the castle at the heart of the dimension. Belasco gave her relative freedom nowadays. But the memories of the torture were ingrained so deeply into her mind that she couldn't even begin to forgive him. He reached his hand out to grab hers and pull her up away from certain death, but instead she prayed that maybe for once her magic once as she let go of the cliff and fell down towards the abyss. Belasco kept his eyes on the Russian prodigy that was speeding towards the fiery pit. He would have helped her, but on one of her good days she locked him out with her magic. He was completely helpless. All at once she disappeared just before reaching the flames._

_The unfamiliar sounds of horns honked at her as she sat in the middle of the intersection. People yelled out their car windows at her as she looked around. The language was so familiar, yet she hadn't heard it in years, not since Belasco ripped her away from her family after they had just escaped Saint Petersburg, or Petograd as they were forced to call it, as the Romanov's declared war on her family. Dazed and delirious she stood up, wary of her feet and walked down the closest street. As the cars moved out of the way, a familiar sight came upon her and she fell to her knees. Before her stood the Winter Palace, home to the Tsar and his family._


	2. Chapter 2

The winter palace, she smiled slightly, forgetting the pain for the briefest of seconds. But the knocking at her door brought her back to reality. The sharp pains in her stomach made her gasp for air, but the thick humidity restricted her breathing. How she wished for cold, how she wished for her home. She coughed as her vision was filled with white specks, hmmm how curious, the specks reminded her of the snow.

_The pink glove lay on the ground, almost covered by the falling snow. A redheaded girl bounded along, dancing in the middle of the street her left hand missing a glove. She saw the glove and bent down to pick it up, her blonde brushing the white flakes on the cobblestone pavement. The Royal Insignia was imprinted on the back. Putting two and two together she ran after the other little girl._

_"Hello Princess," she said breathing heavily as she reached the other girl._

_"Who are you?" The redhead asked looking at the disheveled state of her hair._

_"Illyana." She said softly, "I think you dropped this." She pulled the pink glove out of her pocket and handed it to the other girl._

_ "My father calls me Anastasia, but I liked being called Natalia. Anastasia sounds too formal." She took the glove from Illyana, carefully sliding it back on. "Mama would have had a fit if I had lost it. Thank you."  
"You're welcome Natalia." Illyana said joyfully. Her uncle Grigori had said the Tsar's children were very kind and Natalia was proving her uncle right. Illyana's older brother was trailing behind the young girls, smiling as his sister, his precious snowflake, made a new friend. As they walked around the entire city of Saint Petersburg, the girls began laughing and chasing after one another. As the hours passed Natalia's older sister, Tatiana, dropped back as well and commented on the young girls, making easy small talk with the other teenager as the six year olds goofed around in the snow. As the snowfall increased the Romanov princesses invited Illyana and her brother back to the palace to view the Christmas preperations. With only 11 days left the entire city was buzzing and the snow was making the Chirstmas of 1916 a beautiful one. The siblings agreed respectfully._

_ The palace was unlike anything they had ever seen; there were evergreen trees in every room. The kitchens emanated the smell of baking cookies. The two girls ran around the palace until Illyana stopped dead in her tracks. She saw a familiar face. Once more she took off running, but she was running towards the man._

_ "Dyadya Grigori!" She exclaimed as she wrapped her arms around his waist. A smile appeared on his previously stern face as he lifted his niece into her arms. _

_ "Konfetka" He said with a warm smile as he spun her around. Natalia stared at them inquisitively.  
"Dyadya? He's your uncle?" She asked once Illyana's feet were on the ground._

_ "He is." She said with a smile. Behind her, Tatiana's facial expression turned sour._

The snow faded and she heard the crack of lightning followed by the rumbling of thunder. Thunder, she mused in delirium, thunder sounded like the distorted screams of people at horror movie. This would've made no sense to anyone else, but to her it made perfect sense. She laughed, or at least tried to laugh. She had only seen one horror in the course of her unusually long, and at the same time empty, life.

_The lights in the theater darkened. He best fried had purposely not told her what movie they were seeing. The silver bracelet around her wrist shone in the light from the screen._

_"I think I'll go get popcorn." Her best friend said, standing up slowly. Suddenly her other friend stood up._

_"I'll help you carry the drinks Dom." He said with a small smirk. The first thing to cross her mind was the question if they could be dating, but she brushed that fact off, Birdy was too nice for Dom's cold heart. The music swelled as she looked around, couples were sitting next to each other, and some girls were already gripping their boyfriend's hands._

_"Dammit Dom." She muttered to herself. Barney, the man sitting next to her who just happened to be Birdy's older brother, looked over at her._

_"Something wrong?" He asked, his voice barely above a whisper._

_"Dom didn't say anything about seeing a horror movie." She whispered back._

_"Oh," he said looking around, "where are they anyways? It's been a while."_

_"I don't kn-" She said as the first scream pierced the air, sending shivers through her spine. She shut her eyes, the worst idea, but natural instinct. Heat filled her body and repressed memories came to the surface, memories of the torture. Her entire body tensed and she gripped the armrests. Barney looked over at her._

_"Illyana?" He asked quietly. She didn't hear his words; in her mind she was watching her parents get murdered. "Illy?" He asked again._

_ "Huh?" She asked in response, snapping out of her nightmarish memories.  
"Are you okay?" He asked, slightly worried for her._

_ "Ye-yeah, I'm fine." She stumbled and lied through her teeth. He shook his head, seeing through her lie._

_ "Should we go?" He asked genuinely concerned._

_ "No, you can stay and enjoy the movie, I'll go." She said as she stood up. His hand shot out and grabbed hers lightly.  
"I'll go with you." _

_ She shook her head as she slowly moved towards the exit. "You should stay incase they come back."_

_ "They're not coming back." He said as he walked up next to her, "I'll take you home."_

_ "Alright." He took her hand and walked them out of the theater. As they looked around the parking lot, noticing that Dom's car was gone. "They're gone," she said with a small chuckle. _

_ "Dammit Clinton." He said slightly angry._

_ "We've been set up." She said quite amused._

_ "Can you teleport us back so I can shoot him?" He asked, joking lightly, his mood changing._

_ "You said you wouldn't kill him. But I will shoot them both, for you." She said with a smile. She tried to teleport them but her magic wasn't working. Strings of Russian curses escaped her lips. "My magic isn't working." He looked at her with a smile._

_ "Do you want me to walk you home?" He asked softly then shook his head, "let me rephrase that. Can I walk you home?" She smiled and laughed softly. _

_"If you don't mind walking quite a while." _

_ "Not at all." He said with a smile as they headed towards her house._

The rain continued to fall, increasing the pounding in her head as she tried to let everything go. She was ready to leave her life behind. It wasn't something unfamiliar. She closed her eyes, but instead of being whisked away, out of her dying body, she felt the humidity wrap around her skin, making her hair cling to her neck, to the scars on the back of her neck. She laughed softly as she remembered the night she got them.

_ Her vision blurred from the perpetual pain. The twists and turns of the unfamiliar city were driving her mad. Blood poured from the wound that cut across her stomach and from the gash across the back of her hair. She conjured every spell she knew but the healing wouldn't work. Finally her legs wouldn't carry her any farther; she fell back against the dark alley wall as her breathing became labored. The pain seeped into her bones. Instead of conjuring spells she muttered prayers, prayers in her native Russian. Red sticky blood pooled on the cobbles beneath her feet. There was a tightening in her throat, the air refused to pass through her larynx. She heard someone running, maybe towards her; maybe it had nothing to do with her. Slowly her knees gave out and she buckled down to the ground, the last thing she felt before everything stopped was someone wrapping their arms around her, faintly she could smell cigars and beer. _

_It was hours before she awoke, the pain had subsided but it was still ever present. Her head was spinning. Why had her magic failed her? Where was she? And why did he save her? The sound of metal on metal made her eyes snap open and her body cringe.  
"You're awake, darlin'." A mans voice said from the corner of the room. The voice was oddly familiar but she couldn't place it due to the fact her head was beating like a drum. She turned her head slightly and a smile spread across her face._

_"Hey there Wolf Boy." She said to him, as the pain started to die down. Using her arms to support herself, she sat up, groaning softly. "Where are we?"_

_"Madripoor." He said unenthusiastically. She nodded having a vague idea of where they were. _

_"You were pretty beat up, what happened?" He asked not used to seeing her this shape. _

_"I got ripped to shreds by the demon inside me." A small chuckle escaped her lips. She tried to heal the wounds again and found that her was working this time. The scars healed themselves. "I'm guessing you found some silver in the wounds."_

_"Yeah, it looked like a fragment of jewelry." _

_"Must've been from the surrounding area." She thought back to what happened and how the Phoenix kept gaining power. How the wounds wouldn't heal themselves. Somehow she was able to regain control and teleport herself to God knows where._

_Slowly she got out of the bed and took a nearby bottle of beer. It was freshly opened and the coldness brought relief to her burning skin, a side effect of the power._

_"Illy-" he started to say but cut she him off._

_"I'll get you a new one Logan, don't get your panties in a twist." It elicited a small chuckle from him as she drank the bottle. The cold liquid snaked its way down her throat, pooling in a pit just above her breastbone before twisting down into her stomach, reviving the burnt flesh. She sighed contentedly. "Want to show me around your city?" She said with a laugh._

_"Sounds good to me." He said getting up and walking out the door letting the humidity creep in. She used her magic to conjure two more bottles of beer as she followed after him. Seeing the bottles he took both of them out of her hands. "Interest." He said laughing._

Her throat begged for the beers. She was choking on the dryness, yet she was sweating from the fever that had appeared. The knocking was gone from her door, but it was still beating down in her head. She was counting down the hours till sun up, there were 4 left. Maybe she could make it. Suddenly she was trying to stay alive, but what would do, she was all alone. And for her, that was normal.

_"It's us time." He said with a smile. "Where should we go this time? And don't say its up to me, I chose yesterday with Nazca, remember?" She laughed softly and pulled the covers over her head._

_ "Can I suggest a day in bed? Or is that not a viable travel option?" She said as he picked her up._

_ "Unfortunately it isn't Illyana." She mocked being annoyed and then smiled._

_ "Then let's go to Egypt." A grin spread across his face._

_ "I've never been to Egypt." He said while pulling on a shirt. She teleported into the bathroom, and fixed her hair for the hot weather and brushing her teeth. Using her magic she changed into a red tank top and white jean shorts. Illyana opened the door and headed back into her bedroom, he wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her cheek. "Do we fly or teleport today?" He asked whispering into her ear. _

_ "I think we teleport." She said as the Sahara desert appeared around them. Looming before them were the Great Pyramids at Giza. He let out an audible gasp.  
"They're more awe inspiring up close." She nodded and smiled as she took his hand. They walked closer and suddenly she was struck with an idea._

_ "Wait right here." She said to him before walking over to a security guard and talking to him in hushed tones. Several minutes she returned with a smirk on her face._

_ "What's the smirk for?" He asked as she took ahold of his hand once more._

_ "How would you like to go inside one of the pyramids, Robert?" He looked at her with an 'are you serious, of course' look, and she laughed softly. "Then lets go." They walked towards the entrance, gated off of course, and she spoke to another guard in hushed tones. Within seconds the guard was scrambling to open the gate and let them in. He let them through and then closed the gate behind them. The inside of the pyramid smelled of dried, old air, and once they had ascended far enough into the darkness, she used her magic to make a small flame appear in her other hand. They spent what felt like hours exploring the twists and turns of the ancient monument. There was laughter, small talk, and a stolen kiss here or there, but for some reason, at least for her, there was a sense of normalcy. Something she had never felt in her entire life. Once they had explored every inch that the archeologists knew about she grinned.  
"That grin looks like trouble." He said as he wrapped his arms around her. To him, she was trouble, and to tell him the truth, she was._

_ "I want to show you something. Something that no one else knows about." He looked at her but agreed. She took his head and led him down underneath the pyramid.  
"We've already been down here, there's nothing here." She just laughed and led him to the end of the corridor. Suddenly there was somewhere to go, in the darkness there was another turn, another corridor. She led him into the corridor and used her magic to illuminate it all. She smiled as he gasped again. There were carvings on the walls. But not just in hieroglyphics, in every language he could've imagined and more. Disregarding the fact that they were in the pyramids he ran his hands over them. "What do they say?" _

_ "It's a prayer to lead a soul to heaven. The hieroglyphs are original, but that's it." She said with a knowing smile. "But how they got here is the story for another time. I need fresh air." She headed down the corridor, but in the opposite direction. _

_ "Illyana! You're going the wrong way." He shouted after her, following her then stopping dead in his tracks for the hundredth time that day. They were outside, on the bank of the Nile. She was standing on the bank, smirking. And then, just like that, she dove into the water. _


	3. Chapter 3

She remembered the cooling feeling of the Nile on her skin as the fever ravaged her, decimating her body, leaving her weak. She could barely even cough anymore. She looked out of the window once more. She had three and a half hours till sunrise. Again she was caught in the space between life and death. Maybe when the sun rose she could awake one of her neighbors and get help. Help? What help? If magic couldn't even save her then how would a normal doctor at the hospital save her? She looked around her bedroom, it was in ruins, a car drove past her house, the headlights shining through her window and landing on a golden pin. A golden pin she thought she had lost long ago.

_The sun shone through the scattered clouds, the sky was a bright blue as she laced up her daughter's shoes. The toddler had a huge smile on her face, as if she knew where they were going. She picked up her daughter and put her into her stroller, walking out the door as she left a note for Barney. Slowly, she and her daughter made their way to the zoo. The light breeze made the stifling heat bearable as she and the little girl named all the animals; she kissed her daughter's forehead and smiled every time the girl repeated the names. She was still new at parenting, but she enjoyed every second with her little girl. Sure she would have to tell her daughter where her father was when she got older, but that day would come in its time. She would have to tell her of her father's untimely death, and that most likely he had no idea she had been conceived. Or if he did, he didn't let on, but her father was a good man, one of the greatest she had ever known._

_Soon her daughter got hungry so the two of them walked to a plaza with food and live music. She got a salad for herself and her daughter insisted on having chicken fingers. As they ate she continued to teach her daughter more words, she really couldn't believe how quickly the girl was learning. It amazed her and there was always a smile on her face when the toddler was around. The musicians started playing more lively music, young couples got up and started dancing, parents and children too, people were watching from the outskirts as a small oval formed, she stood up, holding her daughter in her arms and started dancing. The toddler wrapped her arms around her mother's neck and laughed as her mother danced. She felt like she was being watched, she was paying too much attention to her daughter to feel the burning of her golden pin, the pin that told her the man she loved was around. She spun around in a circle, her daughter laughed more, and she used her eyes to spot a man leaning against a lamppost. He had raven black hair, and even though she was too far away she knew he had the most beautiful green eyes in the world. Using her limited telepathy, she reached out to his mind._

_"Hello love, why don't you come over?" She smiled as the music came to an end. She could sense him smile in return as she sat down with her daughter._

_"Maybe I shouldn't." He said back in her head. She laughed softly and used her telepathy once more._

_"We won't bite, I promise." He relented and started walking over towards them._

_"This must be Miss Sophie." He said as he sat down. "It's a pleasure to meet you." He gently reached out and took the toddler's hand, kissing it softly. Sophie looked to her mother with a questioning look._

_"This is Loki, he's mommy's friend." She said leaning down to kiss Sophie's forehead. Loki smirked and she used her telepathy to reach out to him. "If Sophie wasn't here I would slap that smirk off your face." He laughed and took her hand with a smile. She looked into his eyes and smiled. If every day could be like this moment, she felt she could be happy for a very long time. _

She let out heavy, shallow breaths as head beat in a pace of four. The endless rhythm was sure to drive her mad before she died from this sickness. Her eyes fell to the syringes on her bedside table, they were full of the mutant cure. Mutant and proud, she said softly. Intrigued by the fact that, since she was now too exhausted to control what she did, her accent came back. The sharp Russian accent that she worked so hard to erase was back. Russia, she missed her home. She missed everything about it. She missed her mother, her father, even Mikhail, but most of all, she missed Piotr. The gentle giant who could easily encase her in a hug that had her struggling to breathe.

_She stood out from the crowd, her shoulders stiff, head straight. Her blonde hair and blue eyes would have helped her blend in if it weren't for her Russian accent and foreign demeanor. All the years in limbo, the training, the myriad of languages she had learned and customs of different countries, had done nothing to usurp the lessons her mama had taught her, the way to be a proper lady at the Tsar's court. Some help they were now. Within minutes though she relaxed, ordering a cup of coffee and pulling out her book. These moments were rare for her. They allowed her to take a step back from all the struggles of day-to-day life and rest. A couple minutes later her coffee was brought and she looked around, New York was beautiful. Suddenly she started eavesdropping on a conversation going on behind her. It was between two men, they were just talking about being new to the city but one of the men, she knew that voice, but she couldn't place it. She continued to listen in and then she dropped her coffee cup. It hit the ground with a crash and everything stopped. All talking, all eating, stopped for a split second. Slowly she bent down to pick up the broken pieces, not wanting to use magic in public, not that she really cared. As she reached for the first piece a man's hand entered her line of sight and she stopped, looking up at him. _

_"Here, let me help you." He said with a smile. She bit her bottom lip discreetly, she had been right. The man was her brother; her older brother Piotr. They hadn't seen each other in quite a while but she knew it was him. He hadn't changed at all. How long would it take him to recognize her? She thought to herself. _

_"Thanks, but I think I can handle it." She said with a smile, collecting the pieces in her hands. Within a split second they were gone, leaving him puzzled and confused. The look on his face gave her a clear idea of what was going on inside his head. She could even imagine the voice saying. "She's not, no she can't be. But she looks like, no she's dead." A stupid grin spread across her face as she stood up, paying the check. _

_"Come on then Piotr." She said as she walked away, wishing she could see the stupid look on his face. _

_His footsteps echoed after her as he ran and she walked, finally after about twenty feet, he caught up to her. _

_"Illyana?" He asked hesitantly, still not sure if she was his sister. She laughed softly and nodded. _

_"Hello Piotr, it's been a long time." He smiled and wrapped in a huge hug, Piotr style, she hugged him back, feeling the prickle of tears in her eyes. _

_"I thought you were dead." He said, not relenting on his hug. _

_"Lots of people did. I missed you." She said, chocking out the last part. Emotion wasn't really her forte, being soulless and all, but Piotr brought out everything in her. He knew her inside and out, even though so many things had changed. _

_"I missed you too, my little snowflake." He said while rubbing her back. She felt the first of many tears slide down her hot cheeks as she held her brother close. He wiped her cheeks and ruffled her hair. "Don't cry little snowflake." He said even though he had tears in his eyes as well._

_"Don't tell me not to cry if you're crying, Piotr." She said laughing sadly. She hugged him once more, allowing herself to be wrapped in his arms. _

Tears streamed down her face, she didn't know where she got the energy to cry, but now she was sobbing. Her heart ached for her brother, he had gone missing again, and she knew now that she would never see him again. Never have him ruffle up her hair and insist, that even though she was a mother, that she was still a young girl. He would probably never know she was dead either. It would be a miracle if he knew. Was he dead? Or had he maybe figured out the secret to time travel? You're going insane Illyana, she said to herself. She laughed and sobbed at the remark, of course she was insane, she was a Rasputin, one who protected her family at all costs, even if it meant dying for them.

_The text message very simply said "very clever." She laughed to herself, her head down, completely oblivious to where she was going, and to the man who had just crossed her path. Funnily enough, his eyes were looking up at the buildings in a childlike wonder that he didn't see her either. Within an instant they collided, her purse sprawling on the ground, mixing with the contents of his apparently unlocked briefcase. She bent down and started to pick up her wallet and keys first._

_"I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going." He said with an apologetic smile. _

_"It's fine." She said smiling back. "Neither was I." She waved her phone around slightly, and he nodded in understanding._

_"I'm Howard by the way." He said extending his hand out to her. She smiled and took it, he pulled her up and she smoothed out her skirt._

_"I'm Illyana, nice to meet you Howard." She said as she shook his hand. _

_ "The pleasure is all mine, Illyana." He said shaking her hand in return. Then his hand awkwardly crept around to the back of his neck. "You wouldn't happen to know where Stark Tower is, would you?"_

_ "I do, in fact that's where I'm heading." She laughed softly. She and Tony needed to talk; he was threatening her daughter and that needed to stop._

_ "Would you mind if I tagged along?" He asked hopefully._

_ "Not at all." She started walking towards the tower, which was kind of hard to miss, but she wasn't judging, She was new to New York once. They made idle small talk; she found out he was a scientist and inventor, he found out she was an English Teacher. Such a small white lie was inconsequential. She wasn't able to read where he stood on mutants so she would hold off on telling him what she really was. They walked into the lobby of the tower and she heard him gasp, along with someone else._

_ "Thank you Illyana," Howard whispered in his ear before walking towards Tony. She rubbed her forehead as the pieces flew together. She laughed softly to herself._

_ "Hey Stark!" She yelled out, both men turned as expected. "We need to talk, call me." She said as she opened a portal in front of them both, stepping through and finding herself in Moscow. Father and son watched shocked._

_ "Did she mean me?" Tony asked his father._

_ "We'll just have to find out." Howard said with a quiet laugh. Illyana walked around Moscow, and three hours later her phone rang. Howard Stark, she smiled, that's whom she was talking to, and that's who had called._

She still felt the bitter tears in her mouth as she remembered Howard; the time traveling, handsome father of Tony. He had helped her through some of the toughest times in her life. It made her smile to know that he was back where he belonged though, as much as she loved him, this time, it wasn't for him. Of course he had argued with her the entire time, claiming he could make more discoveries, but all the emotions were heightened in this day and age, and she felt terrible for exposing him to them, to the sadness, to the lechery that some women used just to be happy, even if the man they were supposed to marry didn't really love them. She had helped Howard and he had helped her. He was there for her when everything went to hell. When she just wanted to give up, but here she was, giving up. I'm sorry Howard, she said aloud softly, she felt a flash of pain, it felt like she was being slapped. More flashes of pain echoed around her body, she swore that someone was actually stabbing her and slapping her.

_As soon as she pulled into the driveway, she felt the tension radiating from the house. Every sane bone in her body told her to run; that this was a stupid idea and she was just putting herself through more pain, but she couldn't stop herself. She needed this, even if it was painful. She needed the closure it would provide. Letting him walk away was stupid, coming here, even stupider. Yet if he was happy then that's really all she needed. She wanted him to be happy above all else, her heart was already stone, her soul nonexistent, her capacity to love was long gone. Anything she felt for him was a remnant of what once was; a fabrication of her magic. She sat in the front seat of her car for a good five minutes before gathering up her wits and getting out, walking the painful twenty or so feet to the front door._

_God only knows how she got inside and ended up on the couch of their house. They chatted idly, none of them wanting to address the reason why she was really here. _

_"Do you want some fruit Illyana?" The other woman in the room asked, but she was basically saying, 'This is too tense, I'm going to go get fruit.' She shook her head._

_"No thank you, Peggy, I'm fine." But Peggy was already out of the room. She shifted uncomfortably in her chair, and the man sitting on the couch leaned forward and glared at her._

_"I know why you're here." He said in a harsh whisper, not wanting to play games. She stared him down, looking into his bright green eyes. _

_ "Do you?" She asked, returning his glare._

_ "I'm not stupid Illyana." He said, hitting a nerve. She winced slightly and sat back somewhat._

_ "Never said you were Loki." She crossed her legs, one over the other and sat back. Peggy came back into the room and put the fruit down on the table. No doubt she heard them, not that she cared really. They continued their argument through as they resumed the small talk, until one of them snapped. Suddenly he sat forward and slapped her, her eyes widened. Loki had never laid a hand on her, well okay, hadn't since the day they met for the very time._

_ "I will kill everything you love and hold dear." He whispered aloud. Her eyes widened then shrunk back to normal size, he wouldn't do that, he couldn't kill his own children, she thought to herself, he must've been looking into her mind because he smirked. "I love my children, but my hate for you over powers that love." She sat there shell shocked for a moment, and then she was back on her couch with no idea of how she got there._


	4. Chapter 4

That day would forever be ingrained in her head. The day she knew she would never fit in. She was an immigrant, from a different culture and a different time. She had spent too long in limbo as a child. She took labored breaths as she felt her throat constricting, choking her slowly. She could feel herself gasping for air like a fire gasping for oxygen. She was burning up, the last Rasputin, dying from magic. How fitting.

_"All Romanov's are weird." She muttered to herself, she had known them growing up, until 6, and she now knew Natasha as a close friend and well when they weren't trying to kill each other, a confidant. She twirled the pen in her hand as she tried to fight off boredom._

_ "And all Rasputin's are evil." She heard a voice say from behind her, she smiled._

_ "Hello Natasha." She said as she turned around, she had entertainment._

_ "Hello Illyana." Natasha said to her, returning her smile with a sarcastic one._

_ "All Romanov's betray the people who trust them." Natasha glared at her, and she smirked. "You know it's true."  
"Actually, I don't, considering I never knew my family before my house was burned to ashes thanks to yours." She said taking the seat opposite of her._

_ "Well your family betrayed my uncle. He trusted your family and they murdered him mere days after Christmas." She said looking Natasha right in the eyes._

_ "If he trusted us so much, how come he never stepped forward and admitted he was a magician before?" Natasha mused._

_ "My family was scared. We knew we would be persecuted, but my uncle cared for your brother, he loved Alexei like a son. He wanted to save him." Natasha inched forward in her seat and stared her down._

_ "Instead he slaughtered my entire family." She said with a sadistic laugh, a laugh that was a trademark of the assassin._

_ "My uncle was long dead by the time your family was killed. Your family killed him, the people revolted and killed your family." She smirked._

_ "Your uncle was the spark that burned the Romanov line. It's because of him I have no family." Illyana got up and snapped her fingers, a small fire appeared in her hands. Natasha eyed it wearily, but she didn't move. Illyana continued to let the fire grow until it started burning a hole in the ceiling, she didn't really know why she did this, maybe she felt that it was a symbol for her uncle's death, but she was also known to be somewhat of a pyromaniac._

_ "Your family killed a honest man who wanted nothing more than to see your brother live." Illyana said as the fire turned into a wisp of smoke and disappeared into the atmosphere._

_ "No one is innocent Illyana." Natasha said plainly._

_ "I never said anyone is." She said as she sat down and folded her legs one over the other. "All I said was that my uncle was a good man. He wasn't innocent but he tried his hardest to help people, even if it meant going against what believed in to save lives." Natasha laughed and rubbed her forehead._

_ "My brother was going to die anyway. Everyone knew that." She rolled her eyes; they had had this discussion hundreds of times before._

_ "My uncle still wanted to try, he wanted your family to keep their place on the throne, not have it go to one of your male cousins. God knows they would've ruined the country." Natasha nodded._

_ "Well maybe he shouldn't have tried to help. Because of him the Romanov line is dead." With that Natasha stood up and walked away. In an act of mock respect she got up with Natasha and bowed slightly._

_ "As you wish princess." She muttered in Russian, as she expected, Natasha lifted up her arm and flipped her off as she walked away. Illyana smiled and continued twiddling her pen, still bored._

If Natasha could see her now, no doubt she'd be laughing. Not that they didn't have their friendlier moments, but the Princess had a sadistic sense of humor. Would Natasha know she had died? Probably not. She would just be reported missing. No one knew she had this house, it was a house that she had bought years ago, the first time she had been injected with the cure, and she had come to Paris to teach English. In her spare time she had grown to love teaching, and thought maybe after the X-men let her go, she would resume, but she was dying now. Gasping for air.

_ He hugged her tightly and she smiled. They may not have been married anymore, but they were still very good friends. He spun her around, since she was small enough, and she laughed. She missed him. He was constantly on missions and never around much. Finally he put her down and she rested her head on his shoulder, not wanting to let go of him. He kissed the top of her head and that's when she felt it; his goatee. She grinned as she took a step back. Warily, he looked at her._

_ "Illy…" He said cautiously knowing she had an idea. "What are you up to?"_

_ "Remember when I shaved off your goatee?" She asked with a smirk and his face hardened._

_ "No ho, no, no, no, no. Not again Illy." He shook his head and took a step back. "The goatee is staying this time." She laughed and took a step towards him._

_ "The. Goatee. Goes." She said and he took several steps away._

_ "I don't think you want to go down this road Illyana. Goatee stays." He said almost tripping over his own feet. She stopped and laughed for a split second then resumed walking towards him._

_ "Barney," she said plainly, "the goatee goes." He crossed his arms and looked her straight in the eyes._

_ "It stays and you can't make me get rid of it, it's my pride and joy." She took several steps and pushed him down to the ground. A smirk appeared on her face as a razor appeared in her hands. _

_ "Wanna bet?" She asked as she sat on top of his chest._

_ "Hey!" He said as his hands snatched the razor from her. "No!" She slapped him across the face and he stopped moving. _

_ "Just hold still and this will be easy." She made another razor appear in her hands, unrelenting._

_ "Illyana!" He yelled. "I will shave your hair off in your sleep!" She lowered the razor to his face and grinned._

_ "Doubt it." She said as she swiftly shaved off part of his goatee._

_ "HEY NO!" He yelled as he pushed her off of him. "BACK OFF THE GOATEE!" She stood up with him._

_ "Barney, it's half gone, let me shave off the rest." She reasoned trying to get rid of it._

_ "Yeah!" he nearly cried out. "You shaved half of my pride and joy off! You are literally destroying my pride!" She patted his head and laughed softly._

_ "Come on barney, even Clint agrees, it has to go."_

_ "I don't give a rat's ass! My manhood is halfway gone!" She laughed even more and rolled her eyes._

_ "Your manhood is intact." He scowled at her._

_ "I hate you…so much… goatee killer." She lunged towards him and shaved off the rest._

_ "Oops." She said simply once she was done._

_ "ILLY! WHAT THE HELL?! I'm an empty shell of a man without my goatee.." he said sadly and put his hand to his cheek. She placed her hand on top of his. _

_ "You'll live Barney." He pushed her hand away._

_ "No…I'm going to die." She sighed exasperatedly._

_ "Man up Barton, be thankful I didn't cut off your real manhood." His eyes widened._

_ "I'm dead inside Illyana." She laughed and hugged him, shaking her head lightly. Despite his claim to hate her he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. He started laughing at the entire thing and she smiled. Her eyes found his and she grinned. _

_ "Once it grows back, I'm shaving it off again." He pushed her away and ran off into the distance. She knelt down and burst out laughing._

Times like those, when she was happy had become fewer and fewer, the times where she worried and prayed to stay safe and healthy increased. Yet she had almost no one to turn to, at least anymore. It was clearer than ever in that very moment. Sitting on her bed, dying, and she was all alone. No one to even comfort her. She had pushed everyone away. There was a time when she had friends, people to rely on, but those days had past. She coughed and covered her mouth, when she pulled her hand away she saw the red streaking of blood. Hot rod red, she mused to herself.

_She rode up the elevator to the penthouse of Stark Tower, still wondering why she had decided to come to Tony, he had tried to kill her daughter after all, but she needed to talk to someone and Tony was one of the few people she felt she could still trust. The doors opened and she walked into the living room, Tony was sitting on the couch, looking out the window, she couldn't see his hands but if she had to guess he was drinking. She cleared her throat softly and he turned around. _

_"Illy, what are you doing here?" He asked while standing up, a glass off scotch in his hand._

_"I just need someone to talk to, and I trust you, no matter what's happened between us." She said rubbing the back of her neck._

_"What's wrong?" He moved towards the bar and made her a vodka martini without even asking. She smiled gratefully as she took it._

_"I'm worried…" She trailed off, not really wanting to come to terms with what she was feeling._

_"About the wedding?" He asked as he leaned onto the back of the couch. She nodded and took a sip of her drink. "What's worrying you?"_

_"Loki's feelings." She said as she swallowed her sip. He put his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it slightly._

_"You shouldn't, you have a wedding planned, and if he makes you happy then stay with him till the day you die." She teleported herself to sit down in the couch and crossed her legs underneath herself, feeling helpless. He climbed over the couch and sat next to her, they sat there for several long quiet seconds as she figured out what she was going to say. Everything she thought up just didn't sound right, or didn't quite express her feelings correctly._

_"I don't know if he makes me truly happy, plus Peggy loves him and Stella needs a father. Kalina is old enough that she doesn't need either of us." She finally said, lowering her head. He put his hand under her chin and lifted it up and looked her in the eyes._

_"Let's take that one thing at a time." He said with a slight smile and she nodded. "If he loves you, then Peggy will mean nothing to him, and if that's not the case then…" he inhaled sharply, "then maybe he's not all you dreamed of."  
"He's probably not." She said sadly, playing with the leather chord around her neck, the gold ring at the end, moved up and down in time with her breaths. He looked at the ring inquisitively._

_"Where did you get that?"_

_"I stole it off Loki, years ago."_

_"You should return it…" She nodded and sighed heavily. Feeling the sting of tears that was a familiar occurrence nowadays._

_"I have, countless times, and he keeps giving it back." She laughed sadly, him and the damn ring. That's what started all this._

_"Well, if he's not your night in shining armor..then tell him. I wouldn't wait much longer." He wrapped his arms around her and she leaned into him, feeling the tears slip down her cheek; he used his hand to wipe them away. "I'm only trying to help Illy… I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't want to see you get your heart broken. And if someone does, tell me so they can die." He said and a thankful smile appeared on her face._

_"You sound like Steve." She muttered to herself._

_"I'm nothing like Steve. Trust me, I care more about you than you will ever know." He said as he rubbed her back comfortingly, she took another sip of her drink, but before she could respond he moved on to the next point. "Every child wants parents with them forever, doesn't mean they do. I should know." He said while downing the rest of his scotch._

_"I know as well, I lost my parents when I was six. I had no one." He nodded._

_"It's your life Illyana. In the end I can't make the decisions for you, but you two are getting married. It must mean he loves you, even to some extent."_

_"It's never been my life Tony, I'm just a vessel for the bloodstones that run my soul." She said sadly. He didn't say anymore, just held her in his arms for the rest of the night. She didn't protest and fell asleep within a couple hours._

Maybe if she had listened to Tony she wouldn't have gotten her heartbroken so many times, but as she looked back on that night, just days before her wedding she realized that Tony loved her. He had a strange way of showing it, but he loved her, and he only wanted her to be happy. She was ignorant and naïve though, she didn't listen to him and her heart shattered hundreds of times, she cried so many tears, and what for, a man who broke her heart and left her for dead. The knocking at her door resumed. Goddamnit shut up! She wanted to yell, but she didn't have the energy, so she just let the ceaseless drumming pound in her ears, no doubt she would hear it until the moment she died.

_ She got out of the shower and started drying her hair as she looked for her dress, truthfully she didn't want to go to this wedding, but she was doing it for Loki. She slipped her dress on and saw Loki sitting on the bed, his head in his hands, shoulders hunched, he just generally looked sad. It took two steps to get to the bed and she sat down next to him, taking one of his hands in hers, looking him in the eyes as he lifted his head._

_ "What's wrong?" She asked softly, even though she had a pretty good idea. He sighed softly and looked back into her eyes._

_ "I must confess. I am not alright with this wedding." He said and she felt her heart drop in her chest, but she kept a straight face._

_ "Why not?" she asked, rubbing his back gently. He didn't answer, just sat there. "Loki, you can tell me anything, no matter what."_

_ "It's nothing." He said, trying to brush it off, but even the God of Mischief and Lies couldn't lie to her. She turned on the bed to face him, keeping her face emotionless._

_ "I can tell it's not, if you still have feelings for Peggy, you can tell me. I won't be mad, or angry. I promise." He looked at her with tears in his impossibly green eyes and nodded once, instantly her arms were around him, holding him close. She held him close for a couple minutes before she let him go, "then go get her. Don't let her marry Steve." She said swallowing hard, trying to keep her emotions in check, even though she had the itch to sob._

_ "But… I'm yours." He said looking into her blue eyes. She felt the first of many tears well up in her eyes. _

_ "You belong where your heart is." She said, her voice close to breaking._

_ "I-I don't know. I love you Illyana and I can't spend a single day without you at my side. I cannot imagine life without you. But seeing her with someone else is like shredding my heart to pieces."  
"I'll always be here for you as a friend Loki. No matter what." She said as she wiped the tears out of his eyes. "Go tell her you love her before it's too late." He shut his eyes tightly and she let several tears slip down her cheeks._

_ "Gods, why is this so confusing? I cannot do this. I cannot lose you my love. You are my wife, my best friend, my lover and I- I do not simply want to be friends with you, but not with her either. Is it possible to love two people at once?" She sighed sadly and nodded._

_ "It is, but eventually one person wins." She said as she leaned over and kissed his forehead, moving to stand up, but he took her hands in his and looked into her eyes, no doubt seeing every drop of sadness._

_ "Illyana please, I do not know what do next." He told her, more tears spilling from his eyes._

_ "Go tell Peggy you love her." She didn't know how much longer she could hold back the rest of her tears._

_ "I am, I am not sure I can do that. That means I have to give you up." She nodded slowly. _

_ "I know, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm your friend; I'll always be here for you. Just go tell her, don't regret it later on." He shook his head in somewhat disbelief._

_ "I really do not deserve you. You mean everything and more to me, do not forget that." She held back a tiny laugh, how could she ever forget that? She thought to herself. "I love you so much." She nodded slowly and stood up, her hands sliding out of his grasp._

_ "Good luck, Loki." She said as she kissed his cheek softly. "I hope she loves you in return." She walked out of the house and made it to the front steps before she started sobbing._


	5. Chapter 5

That day had thrown everything her parents taught her out the window. Her happiness had been shattered, irreparably. It took her a while to start trusting people again, but she did. Yet, there was always this small sliver of doubt inside her heart, that sliver kept her from being truly happy. She remembered how happy her parents had been together, they were content with being farmers after being chased out of Saint Petersburg. She coughed up more iron blood as the room started to spin, she swore she could smell the cold snow that almost always blanketed her hometown. The snow that always lay in front of their graves in the mountains.

_The tears streamed down her cheeks as she knelt in front of the old gravestones. The snow was taking rest in the engravings of the Russian letters. The prayers she knew for the dead came out of her mouth, and even though they were originally in every language, she translated them all to Russian so her parents could understand her. Even after 98 years, she was still worried they wouldn't make it to heaven. They had struggled enough in life, they deserved better. _

_"I'm all alone now." She whispered softly. "Piotr is presumed dead, Mikhail was dead by the time you two were killed." She barely got the last word out. She still blamed herself, after all this time, for their deaths. The men had come to kidnap her, Piotr was already in America, they tried to fight them off as she ran from their farm house towards the lake, the warm summer air made her shirt cling to her back. Her Mama had instructed to go to her secret spot in one of the caves. Halfway to the lake her Mama screamed out in pain and she turned around to see their house on fire, men approaching her at inhuman speeds. They had killed her parents just to get her._

_"Seems like it was just yesterday when you held me in your arms Mama," she said, her emotion spilling out of her, remembering her mother's arms around her, rocking her to sleep one night when the thunder had scared her. The lullabies she had sung to her were the ones she sang to her children when they were growing up._

_"There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again, Papa." Her hand ran over the letters in his name, she saw him out in the fields with Piotr while she and her Mama played in the house, she was too young back then to do any real work, but she did what she could. He would always pick her up on his shoulders and carry her down to lake for lunch, she sat there listening to him describe his travels with her uncle. In their youth the two of them had been to every corner of the globe. Yet there was nowhere on earth that her Papa loved more than being with her Mama, and even at the age of 6 she knew that's what she wanted. To be able to love someone so much; that not even the most beautiful place on earth could compare to being with that one person._

_"If you could see me now, what would you think of me?" Her greatest fear, not being enough for her parents, no one really knew that because they weren't alive, but she had done so many terrible things in her life that she worried constantly that if she were going to heaven upon her death, even though she was bound to limbo for all eternity, that her parents would reject her for the monster she had become._

_"Some days I feel broken inside. The monster takes over and I can't help it. I try being the woman you were teaching me how to be, but," she choked on a sob, "the things I do, even as myself are completely against everything you believed in. I can't even teach my daughter the same things. She hates me, she hates her father; I don't know what to do. Help me, please." She pleaded, the tears stopping as she realized she was talking to shadows, to air, they couldn't tell her what to do, how to show her daughter that she loved her with all her heart. Her daughter was one of the most important people in her life. If she was failing her daughter, surely she was failing everyone else._

_"Are you proud of who I am?" She asked the bitter cold as she walked away from the graves._

Her parents, God bless them, we're the kindest people on earth, and as she was growing up she wanted to be just like them when she had children. The blood got caught in her throat as she tried to cough, struggling to breathe, she coughed more and more. Where were her children now? The fact that their father was a God sped up their aging, so they had moved out of the house years ago. She missed the days when she could just hold them in her arms and forget about the rest of the world, focusing only on their tiny breaths.

_ 'I hate you all!' the words echoed in her head as she sat on the couch, sipping her tea. What had they done to anger her? They had tried to be good parents, sure they weren't perfect, but who was? The hot tea scalded her tongue and she cursed in Russian, setting the cup down on the coffee table. Imbued with a newfound sense of strength she walked upstairs to her daughter's room. Opening the locked door with her magic. The teenager bore a striking resemblance to her mother, and their powers were very similar. She was sitting on her bed, facing the wall._

_"Kalina," she said softly, "what will make you realize that your father truly does love you?" The teenager didn't turn in response._

_"Nothing will." She said adamantly._

_"Why not?" She asked, taking a couple hesitant steps towards the bed._

_"Because! Enough with 'your father loves you' stuff!" She said as she suddenly sat up, turning to face her mother._

_"It's true Kalina." She said softly to her daughter, taking a confident step towards her._

_"I don't care!" She yelled out, Illyana's heart started to break as she heard those words come out of her daughter's mouth. When she was a younger she feared she would be a terrible parent. Now all these fears were being brought to light. "You're not good parents! Stop trying to fix that!" Her heart shattered and she looked down sadly at her daughter._

_"What, what do you want us to do?" She asked trying to keep her voice even, trying to keep any trace of emotion on the sidelines._

_"I don't want you to do anything!" She said with so much hate._

_"You just want us to leave you alone?" She asked, walking back towards the door._

_"Well no…" she said getting up, walking towards her mother. "I just want you to stop trying to be perfect parents!" She sat back down, utterly confused on what to say to her mother._

_"We're not trying to be perfect parents," she said with a sigh, "We just want to help you. We don't want you to make the same mistakes we have, go through the same pain we have. We just want you to be happy." She said as she sat down next to her daughter on the back, rubbing her back._

_"I don't want to be happy," she said sadly, "happiness never works out. I was happy for a day, ONE DAY! And now it's gone." Tears welled up in Kalina's eyes and she inhaled sharply._

_"Is that what this is about?" She asked sadly. "Happiness comes from within, not from what you have or who you have around. Don't let that affect you." Kalina looked at her mother with a childlike sadness._

_"I'm sorry."_

_"You have nothing to be sorry for. You're still learning too. I'm not a perfect mother, but I'm trying my hardest, and so is your father." She said as she wrapped her daughter up into a hug._

_"I'm still sorry. I'm just really confused. You are perfect parents… you always were." She held onto her mother tightly and she rubbed her back, kissing the top of her head._

Her daughter, her lovely Kalina, the reason why she and her husband had initially gotten together, how she missed that head strong girl who was so much like her. Hopefully she wouldn't endure the same fate she had. The blood continued to choke her slowly, her skin turning pale, pale as snow. They had always told her she was too tan to truly be Russian. The years in limbo had altered her skin color. It wasn't her fault, when she was younger she did look like the snow that covered Baikal.

_They stood on the bank of the oldest freshwater lake, looking at the cover of snow that lightly blanketed the surface. His arm was wrapped around her shoulder and she was using his as a pillow. For a while they just stood there, content in the silence and the other's presence. There was nowhere on earth she would rather be, her life was finally looking up and she never wanted this happiness to end. After a while she took his hand and walked with him. Slowly they made their way towards an old house. The snow fell lightly around them and she kissed his cheek._

_ "I'm glad you're here." She said to him as they walked arm in arm._

_ "I'm glad you brought me here." He said with a smile and she got an idea. She bent down, grabbing some snow and formed it into a ball. "Oh you wouldn't." He said, taking a couple steps away from her, she smirked and threw the first ball at him._

_ "But I would." She grinned as he got hit and then started running, he bent down to pick up some snow and made a couple snowballs then started launching them at her, their combined laughter filling the air. For every snowball she made with her own hands, he made three with his magic. Their throws were almost always on target, at least to where the other used to be standing, with the fast reflexes that fighting awarded both of them, they were rarely hit. He was standing out in the open, while she was hiding behind a tree. He walked around to where she was and threw some at her point blank, he was happy, and so was she. "Are you alright?" She asked shortly after a snowball hit him straight in the face. He brushed off the snow on his face, apparently unaffected._

_ "Never better." He said as he walked up to her, smashing on top of her blonde hair. A tiny shriek escaped her lips as her hand smushed the last snowball right into his face. He leaned down and kissed her briefly, making her head spin and dizzy with excitement, then his strong arms were around her waist and she was hoisted off the ground and lifted onto his back. The snow crunched beneath his feet as he carried her over to a nearby snow bank, she squirmed in his arms as she figured out what he was doing, but his arms just held her tight. She begged him to let her go, but he just kept on walking until they reached the bank. "I love you, Illyana." He said as he threw her in, the snow acted like a cushion as she screamed out playfully, the cold invading her bones._

_ "You'll pay for that." She muttered as she brushed the snow off her clothes, he offered his hand to her and she pulled him in with her, kissing him softly. He smiled and held her close in the snow._

Those days with Loki were the days that she felt alive, felt like there was nothing she couldn't do. There were times when she wanted to slap him for the things he did. Yet she couldn't, well she could but she didn't like to. Her body slowly slid to the side, falling over as she lost control of it, suffocating from the lack of air.

_ She was pacing around the living room of the large house when she heard footsteps. She stopped moving to listen to them. They were soft, light, and hurried. They rushed down the stairs, snaking through the kitchen and into the living room. Suddenly there was a body on her, arms wrapped her neck and a tuft off brown hair was visible from the corner and she laughed, spinning around. The boy latched onto her back laughed loudly and started poking her should._

_ "ILLY GUESS WHAT?!" He said excitedly. She smiled at him_

_ "What Ty?" She asked._

_ "LOKI LET ME USE THE SCEPTER AGAIN!" He said with a devious grin, she groaned aloud and shook her head; they would need to have a talk about that later. "HE SAID I CAN USE IT TO KILL THE NEIGHBORHOOD RACOONS!" He said laughing. "Do you know what Utopia is?" He asked, his young voice growing serious. His brow was furrowed and he hugged her neck tighter._

_ "Utopia is the perfect place." She explained plainly while giving him a piggyback ride around the first floor._

_ "Perfect? I never thought a place like that existed Illy!" He said and his legs wrapped around her stomach, holding on tightly to her. She nimbly ran up the stairs with him on her back, a smile on her face._

_ "Technically it can't, but that hasn't stopped people from trying." He looked down at the stairs, unwittingly tightening his grip on her, afraid to fall._

_ "What does Utopia do?" He asked her, she stopped for a second to think._

_ "Shall I give you the real definition, or the one I think you'd like?" He smiled widely._

_ "Both!" She laughed and nodded._

_ "Let's start with the one you'd like. What a Utopia does is keep people safe, gives everyone complete happiness, nothing is needed nor wasted. Everything is in harmony. There's no hate or violence."_

_ "Wow… I want to go there Illy. It seems like the definition of heaven." He mused, resting his chin on her shoulder. She reached out her hand and ruffled his hair, he laughed. "Can everyone go there?" She laughed, thinking up a witty response._

_ "If you take showers." He narrowed his eyes and groaned._

_ "Are you trying to say I don't take showers, Illy?" She laughed and rolled her eyes._

_ "Considering the first time I met you; Dom was trying to get you to take a shower and you refused, yes." He smiled._

_ "Well I do… occasionally. When I smell really bad," a smirk appeared on his face, "so what's the 'real definition' of this Utopia place?"_

****_"A lie." She said plainly._

_ "Really now?" He asked then smiled his signature half smile. "And you seem in a really good mood!"_

_ "You'll understand when you're older, and I am in a good mood." She said with a smile, as she spun him around in a circle._

_ "That's great! And Illy…" he said crossing his eyes and laughing, "I think I'm flying." She smiled and laughed, continuing to spin him around._

_ "Ask Robert if you actually want to fly." He raised an eyebrow and stared at her._

_ "Robert? Can he fly?" Then he pulled himself away from her and stared up at her with bright eyes. "Oh my gosh… ILLY! YOU'RE SMILING… AND LAUGHING!" She put him down, her smile growing._

_ "Yes he can. It's wonderful. And what's wrong with smiling and laughing? He stood on his toes and tilted his head, staring her down. She half expected for him to ask where Illy had gone._

_ "Nothing! IT'S PERFECT! I just haven't seen you smile in a while… that's all!" She smiled more._

_ "It has been a while." He smiled._

_ "A very long while." She picked him up and smirked. _

_ "Let's go kill some raccoons." _

_ "Hell yeah!" He yelled as she carried him outside._


	6. Chapter 6

Tyler was one of her few friends, he knew her better than most people, despite being a child. She hadn't known him for long though. As she gasped for breath she hoped he was happy. He was the craziest child she had ever known, and her children were crazy. The first time she had met him was with Dom right after she had been with her and Clint Barton. Clint was a close friend; someone who was always happy, even when things had gone terribly wrong. He was the perpetual optimist, from her point of view; of course his fatal flaws were his brother and Natasha.

_The heart monitor beat steadily, like his condition was somehow going to change, she thought to herself as she held the balloon and stuffed bear. The balloon had originally said get better, but she had crossed it out, writing we miss you instead. Next to bed the chair had been pulled out, Barney she thought. He had told her he had just been there. A small sigh left her lips as she sat down next to her comatose friend._

_ "Hi Clint," she said with a sad laugh, "it's Illy. I know you can't hear me. Barney told me he was here earlier, he told me what he said and, I guess." She said closing her eyes for a second. "I guess that's why I'm here as well. I miss you Tweety. You've been my friend for as long as I can remember. You were still there when I divorced Barney and married Loki. You've been there for me since the beginning, and this is me saying I'm here for you." A tear rolled down her cheek as she looked at how helpless he seemed. "Get better Tweety, we miss you so much. I know Nat didn't mean to shoot you. Something's up with her." She wiped the tear away, still self-conscious about showing weakness. "I talked to Loki, just for you, to see if there was anything we could do to make you better, but we're both drawing blank. So, I'm sorry Tweety, I wish I could be more of a friend." She laughed softly, pretending she could hear him, the pain really was getting to her, she sighed deeply. _

_"Ty misses you, a lot. Hell, I miss you a lot. Come back Tweety. Please, we all need you." She stood up and did the sign of the cross, praying for him before starting to walk out before she thought she heard something, but it was just the machines. For some reason she decided to walk back over to the chair and sat down, pulling her knees into her chest. She felt the need to unload to him, even though he couldn't hear her. "Loki threatened to kill everyone I love, excluding you. I told him that he would be a coward if he killed you while you were in a coma." He wouldn't do that she could practically hear her conscious say, "He said he would kill Jon and Kalina. He told me he loved them but that the hate he has for me overshadows that love." A tear ran down her cheek as she looked at him. All the healing powers she had, Robert had, Loki had, and they couldn't help him. His mind was lost in his body and they needed his mind to help him._

_"Come back soon." She said as she left the room once more, a deep sadness trickling through her cold heart._

That day was ground breaking. She couldn't even help her friend. Her powers had limits, and bringing someone out of a coma was outside of what she could do. Watching him lie there made her realize she couldn't fix everything in her life, no matter what. She wouldn't be able to help everyone or make everyone happy. But she sure as hell would try, even if that meant sacrificing her own happiness. Her happiness wasn't a main priority of hers. It never had been.

_Their conversation had started with a happy subject, not that she would remember it now as her heart cried out in pain, her face did not share the pain her heart did though. A fake, forced, but seemingly genuine smile was plastered on her face as she talked to the brunette standing across from her. Her brown eyes sparkled as they talked about the man they both loved, though she adamantly denied still loving him although she would never stop loving him. He was not someone she could ever get over. Most of her life had been spent with him and her had run away with her heart. She snapped out of her trance just in time to respond without making it seem awkward._

_ "He loves you Peggy. You can rekindle your love with him. It's possible, trust me." She said, not really sure if it connected to their previous conversation, but not caring. She needed to say that. Say it and be done with it._

_ "As is what you had! Please, don't make this harder. You can love him more than I can." Peggy said with a trace of sadness._

_ "I understand." She said softly. I understand, how does that even fit in? She really was losing it. "But, Peggy, I won't, I wont. I don't tear people apart." She said, trying to keep anger out of her voice. "I won't do that."_

_ "I did it and I regret it with my whole heart. Now it's time for those two to mend, and their destructor to know how it feels." She shook her head and held back a sad laugh._

_ "No, I won't that happen Peggy. I won't I would never wish that pain on someone. And I won't let you feel it. I will not." She said, turning to leave, wishing to put an end to the painful conversation she knew was coming._

_ "It's alright, Illyana. I'll be fine." Peggy said taking a step forward and putting her hand on Illyana's shoulder. She shrugged her hand off, trying not to be rude._

_ "Will you really?" She asked, trying to get the answer out of Peggy that she knew was in there. _

_ "I-I don't know." Success she said sadly to herself._

_ "Exactly. So take him. Keep him happy. Make yourself happy." Illyana said, still facing away from the other woman_

_ "That is your job." Peggy said, she really was persistent, and that was really starting to affect Illyana, she just wanted this to be over with. It's not like she didn't see all of this coming. Ever since Peggy had reappeared with Loki's daughter, she felt a bit worried, wondering when it would finally happen, so she prepared herself, but she didn't expect it to hurt this much. No, this pain was brand new. Something she had never felt before. _

_ "Not if you are going to be hurting." She said somewhat bitterly. It was customary for her to put others before herself, that's what they had taught her in limbo, 'no one cares for a demon.' That was the motto they had ingrained in her mind._

_ "Of course I'll hurt." She said plainly and she hand to clench her fist to keep from turning around and telling Peggy that she didn't want Loki back, a monumental lie, but one that needed to be told for Peggy's happiness._

_ "I told him to keep you." She said softly. Not wanting to say more._

_ "What? Why…?" Peggy asked trying to turn her around._

_ "Because..." She took a deep breath, "you deserve him."_

_ "So do you." Peggy said as the words slowly ate away at her heart. The pain was becoming too much for her to handle, she needed to get out of there as fast._

_ "Not as much as you." She said itching for the door._

_ "I know that isn't true." Peggy said, prolonging the conversation._

_ "It is Peggy." She said, she would say anything to get out of there, hell she would even agree to take Loki back if that got Peggy to stop, but she knew it wouldn't._

_ "Illyana!" Peggy said in disbelief._

_ "Peggy it's true!" She yelled over her shoulder as she burst out the door and into the cold rain, catching the first cab she could, going God knows where._

The rain would probably feel so nice on her burning skin. A little fall couldn't hurt her now, could it? Water in general would be a relief to her. Being submerged in it, maybe it would clear the blood in her throat, but she would probably drown from being so weak. It was a hard choice, choke on her blood, or water. But she didn't actually have that choice. She had to suffer, in her own bed.

_Her life had been long and sad; on several occasions she had tried to end it. Sometimes it had worked and she spent a long time in limbo, resting before her magic brought her back to earth and she was forced to live again. Other times the people closest to her stopped her. Those times made her feel embarrassed as she sat in front of them healing. That day she had locked her magic out and she was forced to get on a plane from Siberia to New York, just to be healed. The cuts and bruises made everyone look at her, it was easier to hide the burn marks on her hands, but in the end she was standing in front of his house, her hand ready to knock on the door when he opened the door. _

_ "I kind of need your help." She said softly, he looked startled, clearly not expecting to see her. "Trust me, if I didn't have to be here, I wouldn't be." He held his hands up in the air._

_ "Fair enough. What are you doing here?" He asked, opening the door slightly for her, she stepped inside and looked at him tentatively._

_ "I need you to restore my magic. I might've locked it out." He locked his jaw and swallowed hard, causing her to look away._

_ "And why should I assist you?" She inhaled sharply._

_ "You don't have to. I just came to you first. I can go elsewhere." She said quietly and his expression softened._

_ "Of course not. Come here." He said with a small smile. She walked towards him slowly, but then she stopped and turned around, thinking it better to go to Giovanni Stark instead, but he grabbed her arm gently. "Don't be so quick to judge. I never said I wouldn't help you." She gently moved her arm out of his hand; a small groan of pain escaped her lips and his eyes looked at hers. "If you think I am letting you leave like this, you are sorely mistaken."_

_ "I've been in worse shape, and you know that. I'll be fine." He shook his head._

_ "Which is why I do not mind in the slightest. Sit." He told her and she sat defeated. "Now, tell me what is exactly wrong so I can pinpoint the problem." She heaved a heavy sigh before the words came out._

_ "I locked my magic out of my body so I could," she stopped and mumbled the last word, "drown." He looked at her with shock. "All that matters is I locked it out so I couldn't use it." He nodded not pushing it further. She smiled sadly and he sat down next to her. _

_ "You will have to trust me." He said and she tried not to laugh, she always trusted him, no matter what happened between them. He put his hand on top of hers. "I don't hate you Illyana. I hope someday we can be like we used to be." She nodded and sighed._

_ "I wish we could too. But…" She trailed off._

_ "I just don't want to go on forever hating each other. We have been through too much for that. We know each other better than – well now I am babbling."_

_ "I don't mind the babbling." She said softly as she leaned forward to kiss him, hoping he would transfer magic through the kiss, she felt him kiss back and she could tell his heart was melting, just like hers, but he pulled back once the transfer was done._

_ "Illyana… we can't- " She nodded sadly, using his magic to unlock her own, the wounds healing themselves._

_ "I know." She said as she reached out to touch his cheek. "Just know I have never hated you. How could I?" She stood up, on the brink of tears. "It was nice seeing you." He smiled weakly._

_ "Stop by anytime love. I miss you." She smiled sadly nodding even though she probably wouldn't._

_ "I miss you too." He smiled genuinely._

_ "I always love seeing you. I lo-" He stopped himself and she had to nod in understanding._

_ "I know, and I do too." She bit the inside of her lip to keep the tears in while she spoke the words that were nails in her coffin. "I told you forever was a long time."_

_ "Illyana… You're broken. You're hurting. I can see that. Anyone with eyes can see that. And I know it is because of me, and that itself kills more than anything. I care about you Illyana, still." He said softly, but she was already gone. What was she supposed to do? Pretend nothing had happened? That she was happy? Because she wasn't, she had blown up limbo, almost drowned and put a target on her back because she wasn't thinking straight. All of her rational thoughts were gone, she didn't care what happened; she just wanted the pain to be gone._

No matter whom she was with, she always ended up on the heartbroken side. It seemed to be her curse. Everyone always found someone better than her; even when they had promised to stick around for all eternity. Those promises meant absolutely nothing anymore to her as she was dying, completely alone. Where were they now? Gone, of course, happy with the women who were better than her, while she choked to death. So fitting, she thought.

_'I'll be here forever.' The voice in her head mocked as she remembered his arms wrapping around her, promising to never let her go. Never in a million years could she have imagined he would break that promise, but he had. He had left. 'I promise,' he had said. 'And that's a promise I intend to keep.' He said as he kissed her cheek. She had finally felt somewhat whole again. Less than two months later she had run into her "friend." Carol. She was all smiles and laughs, unlike her because she was usually so "depressed" and "heartbroken" after losing her latest man. They started talking and Carol said she had a new man. Feigning interest she asked, and that's when she said it. 'Howard Stark…' It her like a ton of bricks and she had to nod and pretend to be happy for her. Within hours she had packed up all of her stuff and left without even saying goodbye. For several months she avoided all contact with him, not able to keep Carol away; she ended up hearing __**every single detail**__ of their whirlwind romance, a romance that eerily reminded her of her own. One that she wasn't able to forget. Then one morning she ran into him. She tried to stay away from him but he ran after her,_

_ "I'm going to be a good friend. Not the jealous ex. Don't worry, I won't try to ruin your relationship." She said bitterly, holding the tears at bay._

_ "Thank you, Illy." He said simply, shattering her heart as they instinctively walked towards his house._

_ "She's been through a lot. I don't want her to get hurt." She said, lying through her teeth. She could care less what happened to Carol's heart. _

_ "She won't. And you can definitely blame me if she does." He said reaching his hand out to help her with the bags she was carrying._

_ "I will." She said very plainly, not looking him in the eyes, he wouldn't get to see the hurt she was feeling. They walked in silence until they reached his heart, she used her magic to open the door and for once she felt like things were okay._

_ "I'm still sorry." He said as he gave her a cup of tea and sat down with her on the couch. Hesitantly her hand reached out and stroked his cheek lightly._

_ "Howard, you're a good man. You're bound to make women fall in love with you. You can't love every one of them." He didn't say anything, just sighed at her touched and she could read the thoughts he was unintentionally thinking, he thought about how much he missed her tender touch. She kept her mouth shut and blinked back tears. She let out a sad sigh and ran her hand through her hair and he began thinking of all the times they spent together. "I remember those times too." She said sadly. And soon his thoughts turned to how terribly he felt about breaking his promise to her. A single tear fell down her cheek. "It wasn't your fault." He bit back tears of his own, the emotion in his voice threatening to crack._

_ "It is my fault, Illyana. It has always been my fault. I'm so sorry." She shook her head; she wouldn't let him take the fall for what happened._

_ "It wasn't your fault. You did __**nothing **__wrong. Absolutely nothing." His arms wrapped around her and her heart threatened to explode as he held her close._

_ "I…Illy" he said resting his head on top of hers, his thoughts flooding with three words 'I love you' that's what he wanted to tell her, but he couldn't._

_ "Love her." She finished for him. He looked into her eyes and lifted up her chin._

_ "I have to get over you. It's just so hard. I love __**you**__. But I want to love her. I have to love her." Her heart shattered into a million tiny pieces as half of her tried to tell him to love her, while half of her told him to follow her heart, she just gave up instead. He pulled her closer to him. _

_ "I'm only going to offer this, partly because Carol wants me to, and partly because I know how much pain you're in. If you want me to, I can wipe __**all**__ your memories of me. All of them. Including what's happening right now. He dropped his arms and looked at her, complete shock written on his face. She leaned up and kissed him, transferring magic through the kiss, erasing his memories of her. The tears fell down her cheeks and slowly he started to forget everything. _

_ "Who the hell are you?" He asked her as he pulled away from the kiss, tears were streaming down his own cheeks._

_ "No one," she choked out and got up. "Goodbye." She said shakily. He watched her walk away as more tears streamed down her cheeks._

_ "Okay.. well. Bye." He said somewhat unsure of himself. The tears streamed down her cheek but she told herself it was for the best. "But wait! Are you okay?" There was the caring man she had loved. She turned around, lying to his face._

_ "Perfectly fine!" She called back to him and walked away. Of course since she had the worst luck in the world, she ran into Carol on the way home, quickly she wiped the tears from her face, but then realized. Carol didn't care. Carol only cared about Carol. They made idle small chat before Carol called out to her as she walked away, not wanting to talk about Howard._

_ "Howard." She said with her smile that didn't notice a thing. "He's going to propose! Tonight I believe!" She laughed giddily and Illyana walked away, her heart completely shattered. She thought up so many comments to respond with, but Carol wasn't worth her time so she just walked away._


	7. Chapter 7

There were times when she wished she could erase her memories, get rid of the times that haunted her. The mistakes she had made, the people she had hurt. Maybe a slow, painful death was what she deserved. The hacking cough returned, along with the knocking. God damn it! The memories seeped back into her mind, and she knew which one would come next, the one day that she had thought would make her life simple. It hadn't it had only made her life more complicated.

_ Her smile couldn't possibly get wider. Her daughter reached out her tiny arms, wanting to be picked up, so she obliged. The front door opened and he walked in, she grinned and danced over to him with her daughter. He wrapped his arms around both of them and kissed her daughter's head, then he kissed her. She smiled and rested her head on his chest. He let her go and she continued to dance with her daughter._

_ "So now what love?" He asked her._

_ "I don't know, I'm not working at the moment so I won't get any calls to go on any missions."_

_ "I just quit." He said with a small chuckle and she smiled, remembering that it was his work that had brought them together in the first place. He walked over to her and held her from behind around her waist. She turned her head to kiss his cheek. _

_ "D-d-d-d" She heard a small voice start to say. She eyed her daughter and so did he._

_ "Is Sophie trying to talk?" He asked her, and all she could do was nod, she was still getting used to being a mother, every new step her daughter took was something she eyed in amazement. _

_ "Da-da" Her small voice said again, and both of their eyes welled with tears. She had called him Dada, and although he wasn't her biological father, he was going to be her father in every other aspect._

_ "Barney," she said with a quiet laugh, "she just called you Dada." He nodded with a smile._

_ "She did." He said kissing her softly. _

_ "M-m-ma." Sophie's voice came. The tears spilled down her cheeks. Barney pulled her gently down onto couch, his arms around both of them. "Ma-ma." Barney smiled and whispered into her ear. _

_ "Illy we need to talk… about you being my girlfriend." Illyana nodded and he shifted slightly so that his arms weren't around them anymore. "I don't think you should be my girlfriend anymore." He said as he fumbled for something in his pockets, finally his hands pulled out a tiny box, "I want you to be something more." He opened the box and there was a ring inside. A small gasp escaped her lips and he smiled nervously. "Illyana Rasputina, will you marry me?" He asked, his voice wavering, and full of emotion. She nodded. _

_ "Yes!" She said, more tears running down her cheek. "Yes, of course I'll marry you." He pulled her to him and kissed her softly. _

_ "I love you." He said with a smile._

_ "I love you too." She said smiling in return._

_ "You've changed me Illy." He said as he leaned back on the couch, gently pulling her and Sophie down with him. She lay there, holding Sophie and listening to his breathing. "We're going to be a real family." He kissed her forehead softly with a smile, and for the millionth time that day, she started tearing up. Never in her life had she imagined she'd have a family again, not after what happened._

Barney had made her life seem stable once again, but then she met Loki, well was reintroduced to him, He took her out of her chest and ran away with it, breaking it several times along the way, but always fixing it, until the end where he had just left, with no warning, then again she never got warning when he broke her heart. There were times she had left him, but she always returned, not able to stay away for long. She eyed the golden pins once more, her hands reaching out to grab it, but she fell short and collapsed onto her side, her finger tips mere inches from the only link she had left to the love of her pitiful life.

_He didn't need her, that's what she told herself to fall asleep that night. What she had written on the note had already escaped her mind, but she knew he would be furious when he read it. Not that it mattered anymore, she wanted him to move on, God knows he really didn't love, but she loved him with all of her heart. The leaves blew around outside her window, she had many properties all over the world just in case she needed them, not many people knew where they were, or that she had them at all, but he knew. It would be a matter of time before he appeared and tried to talk to her, the guilt ate at her heart as she sat reading her book. She read so many books, trying to drown out her sorrow, then a rock hit the window right by her head. An audible groan left her lips and she stood up, looking out the window. He was standing on the ground, looking up at her with a rose in his hand, his cheeks stained with dry tears, just has hers had been earlier. She turned her head to the side, as if that would relieve the pain in her heart. She could still feel his eyes on her, full of questions, questions she didn't want to answer. _

_ "How strange," he started and her head snapped back to him, "this feeling that my life's begun at last." The tears returned to her eyes, that bastard, she said in her head. "This change, can people really fall in love so fast?" He continued, "What's the matter with you Loki? Have you been too much on your own?" She moved away from the window. "So many things unclear, so many things unknown." He finished and she rushed to the stairs, her hand finding the bannister. The words flew from her lips as she did._

_ "In my life, there's been no one like him anywhere, anywhere where he is, if he asked, I'd be his." She reached the front door and just stood there, knowing he was on the other side, waiting for her. He continued singing, eating away at her heart._

_ "In my life, there is someone who touches my life. Waiting near, waiting here." She bit her lip, knowing he'd be able to hear her._

_ "I am one with the Gods and heaven is near. In my life, there is someone who touches my life." The tears formed in his eyes as he walked towards the door._

_ "She was never mine to keep. She is youthful, she is free." He said as he put his hand on the doorknob. "But we will prove our love." He whispered to her._

_ "He was never mine to lose. Why regret what could not be? These are words he'll never say. Not to me. Not to me. Not to me. His heart full of love." She said as the bitter salt of her tears in her mouth. He opened the door and pulled her into his arms, kissing her softly, not caring about their tears. She kissed back and held him close._

_ "I will never let you leave again." He said to her as he continued to hold her close._

_ "I will never try to leave again." She said softly, she couldn't go long without seeing his face, hearing his voice, or feeling his touch. A smile spread across his lips despite the tears still in his eyes._

_ "Well in that case." He said softly as he got down on one knee, the tears filled her eyes once more as he handed her the rose, that hadn't gotten crushed when he kissed her. A small glint came from the bottom of the stem and she saw her wedding and engagement rings. Her heart burst as she kneeled down, getting to his level and kissed him again, not able to find the right words. "I could not live another day without you. I gave you the space you thought you needed but once I saw your note, I knew there was no turning back." He said as he held her in his arms._

She reached again for the pin, but her hands found the mutant cure instead. Her fingers wrapped around the cool vial, the green liquid splashed around as she held it, pain radiated through her body as some of her organs started shutting down. Her cough produced more blood and she groaned in pain. The knocking was even more incessant, in a beat of 16 instead of 4. When would it end? She coughed more and more, her heart beating so fast she thought it would burst out of her chest. She listed everyone she loved in her head; trying to stay awake, not wating to forget a single person who had made her who she was.

_ There was a knock at her door, the clock read 3 am, who could it be at such a late hour? She got out of bed grudgingly and threw on robe to cover the fact that she was wearing a pair of short shorts and a t-shirt. Whoever was at the door continued to knock so she picked up the pace, reaching the door and opening it slowly. On the other side was Tony Stark, she groaned._

_ "What is it Tony? It's 3 am. Couldn't it wait till a reasonable hour?" She asked, too tired to notice he had been crying._

_ "It's Steve." He said in a trembling voice, and instantly she looked up. _

_ "What's wrong with Steve?" She asked him, letting him inside, not noticing the bag he was carrying. He walked over to the couch and she grabbed a bottle of gin, having the gut feeling they might need it. She sat next to him and he heaved heavily._

_ "He..left this for you." Tony unclasped his fist to reveal a slightly burned silver chain with a shield pendant attached. "A fire is what happened." He said sadly._

_ "Tony," she said worriedly, "is Steve alive?" Tony did nothing, but look at her. "Tony please." She begged._

_ "His wife and daughter are. But he's…. not" Tony said softly as she looked at the necklace._

_ "His wife and daughter?" She asked, shocked that Steve hadn't said a word about either of them._

_ "He never told me." Tony said sadly. "His daughter is only a newborn. And he just got married last Friday. Never even told me he had a wedding." She swallowed roughly and nodded. "He wanted you to have it." He said motioning to the necklace, but she shook her head._

_ "His wife should have it." She said, looking at the red and blue shield, the white star in the middle was untouched by the flames that had taken the life of the man who had so proudly carried that shield around._

_ "It wasn't his choice to have the wedding. She kind of forced him. She told me herself. And if the necklace isn't for you," he said reaching into his pocket and pulling out a dented engagement ring, "then this is." When he turned it slightly to show her, she could make out an engraving on the inside 'Ульяна' it was her name in Russian. She shook her head, the tears spilling out of her eyes. His eyes narrowed and he reached into his bag, pulling out a couple pictures of the three of them, with the words 'My Love' written on the back. "He's got a lot of stuff that was meant for you." She shook her head and pulled her legs into her chest. _

_ "I can't." She said to herself. He wrapped his arms around her. _

_ "He had a whole box of stuff for you, it was hidden under his bed, I was shocked myself. I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say.. this man loved you."_

_ "I know Steve loved me, he flat out told me, and kissed me." He looked at her._

_ "And yet you still married Loki." He said almost quietly enough that she couldn't hear._

_ "I know I did! I know he loved me. I told him not to! Nothing good ever comes out of loving me. I corrupt every man who loves me." He grabbed her shoulders gently._

_ "Steve didn't see that. He didn't mind. He still loved you, no matter what."_

_ "I'm a terrible person, he shouldn't have." Tony sighed sadly. _

_ "Not from what he told me. Right before he died he told me something. 'Tony there is not enough time in the Universe to explain my love for Illyana Laufeyson, or as I dreamed it would be, Illyana Rogers. But now it is far too late.' And then he died." She sat there, shell shocked, tears running down her cheeks._

There were times when she wanted to run away from her memories. Leave her mind behind; this would be like it wouldn't it? Slowly she pulled the still freezing vial toward her chest, placing it above her heart, hoping that in some screwed way it would slow her heart from beating a storm, but it only made it worse. Running away, she had done that on more than one occasion, but she was always successful, she just had different people to run from. Not even her fellow mutants were safe for her to be around. They despised her. Her powers were extremely different, and she didn't grow up on earth, her customs as they said, were different.

_There was only one road she could take now; Logan and Scott would be pissed at her. Scott for her taking his motorcycle, and well Logan was going to be pissed because stealing Scott's motorcycle was his job. Logan enjoyed pushing Scott's buttons, and anyone with eyes could see he was infatuated with Jean. She had a problem with Jean. Not because she had two powerful mutants acting like lovesick puppies around her, but because she was the only one who could undo all the mental tricks the Professor had taught her. Her blonde hair was flowing behind her as she sped down the tree-covered roads of Westchester, New York, the X-Mansion and other mutants, far from her mind. She flew down the roads, heading to New York City, but that would take a while, her hand found the button for the radio; thank God Scott liked his music. She changed the radio several times before she found a radio station she liked. The song had just ended and the weather was being announced, 'a hot 78 degrees,' for this time of year. Not like she cared one bit. _

_The drums banged as the next song started, a smile flashed across her lips, she knew this song, she loved it, and she'd be damned if she didn't sing along even though she was damned. _

_"There's a drumming noise inside my head that starts when you're around." She sang, closing her eyes for the shortest of moments, but that was all it took for the car to turn onto the road, she reopened her eyes and didn't have the time to react. Within an instant the car had hit her in the middle of the bike and send her sprawling off the road with an ear shattering crash. Her tiny frame was sent flying and she hit a tree square in the back, the driver of the car looked at her in fear then sped off. "Мудак!" She swore at him in Russian, her back screamed out in pain as she lay on the side of the road, trying desperately to remember a spell, any spell, that would relieve even a fraction of the pain in body. The bike was smoking and in ruins, she groaned in annoyance, they would kill her now. She sat there for what felt like hours, racking her head for that spell, when a car passed her then stopped. A young man, around her age, got out of the car and hurried over to her._

_"Are you okay?" He asked as he made his way through the bushes to her. She nodded once, lying. He surveyed her for any debris but there was nothing. Slowly he bent over and picked her up in his arms, she was tiny enough. She bit her lip and groaned in pain, he carried her to his car, noticing the bike. "Stealing Scott's bike isn't a good idea." He said offhandedly and her eyes widened._

_"Who are you?" She asked. _

_"I'm James, but they call me-" She cut him off and nodded._

_"Warpath, yeah I know who you are." The spell finally came to mind and she uttered it as fast as she could, the pain disappearing. He looked at her with interest._

_"You're Colossus' sister, aren't you." She nodded, trying to hide her annoyance, everyone knew Piotr, no one knew her. He probably didn't even know her name. "Nice to meet you Illyana." He said with a smile and she looked dumbstruck. He laughed softly. "I know what it's like to live in the shadow of a giant, my older brother is Thunderbird." She nodded slowly, everyone knew about Thunderbird. The sky around them darkened and she groaned._

_"And I wanted to get away from them." The Blackbird appeared in front of them; Logan and Scott walked out, "Just my luck." She muttered to herself, but the headed for him instead. _

_"We've been looking for you." Logan says and a girlish shriek comes out of Scott's mouth, she grins and laughs._

_"_Mutatis Mutandis_." She said smirking, 'changing those things which need to be changed.'; in this case, Scott's love for his bike. Logan eyed her and nodded in approval, and with that she fell through a pink portal, that really needed to change color._


	8. Chapter 8

In those days she had had friends. People to count on, people who wouldn't judge her because of her mutation, because she didn't have a normal childhood. They were the ones who pushed her through the bouts of depression and the suicide attempts. They kept her safe. As she grew older she fell in love more times than she thought possible, but only one man stole her heart. She had more friends then, but some of them only hurt her, sending her into the bouts of depression, causing her to commit suicide, at least one time successfully. Her hands crushed the vial, trying to destroy it, but the glass was stronger than she was in her weakened state. The needle was laying just next to it, she was giving it serious thought now, end her mutation, maybe end this terrible disease. Her mutation was her identity now though; Queen of Limbo, not a schoolteacher. Cough after cough escaped her cracked lips and she laughed. Less than two hours to dawn. Less than two hours till she died, and Limbo passed to her daughter. Her beautiful daughter, her Kalina.

_Her car pulled up in the driveway as an ominous feeling settled in her bones. She shook her head, relegating the feeling to worn out nerves, the souls had been particularly active the past few days and they were driving her insane. She just needed to relax, but as she approached her front door, she knew relaxation was nowhere in sight. Her husband's voice sounded from inside._

_ "Be nice Carol, please." He said, no doubt with one of his sheepish smiles. Pure hatred boiled in the pit of her stomach as she opened the door silently._

_ "Am I never not nice?" The woman asked, even the sound of her voice was infuriating. _

_ "Let's not answer that." He said and she walked into view, and she knew something was wrong. She feigned surprise as she saw the other blonde._

_ "Carol…. Hi." She said, trying to hide her distaste. Her husband jumped off the couch, which Carol was also sitting on and they were too close for her comfort, and kissed her on the cheek._

_ "I invited her over for dinner." He said softly. "I hope you don't mind. She forced a smile as Carol spoke._

_ "Hello Illy." She said, her voice filled with loathing. She ignored Carol and kept her eyes on her husband. _

_ "Not at all." She said, trying to be the bigger person._

_ "Excellent." Her husband said, not noticing the obvious tension. "I shall go get it ready." He hurried off to the kitchen, Carol tried to make a move to go to the kitchen with him, but he waved her off. "You two relax, I'll get everything settled." He turned around and looked at her, mouthing 'be nice.' She made a glass of wine appear in her hand as she muttered to herself in Russian about how they were probably sleeping together, and knowing what kind of a woman Carol was she had probably conned her way into making Loki leave her, that's why she was here tonight, to announce the end of her engagement to Bruce and to inform her of the end of her marriage, because she now thought that Loki was 'the one' for her. She felt her heart start to ache, not knowing what to do. Carol narrowed her eyes and it took all she had not to make a rude remark. _

_ "I don't like this anymore than you do." She said, still looking at her wine._

_ "I'm sure you don't, besides, if I remember correctly, you're the one who instigated this whole thing anyways." Carol said with a sarcastic smile. She couldn't hold back any longer._

_ "Did I?" Knowing full well she did. "I wouldn't remember something so petty." Carol glared at her and a smirk crept across her lips._

_ "You're the one who threatened my life." Like that matters she quipped in her head. "And told me my boyfriend loved you, not me." She took a sip of her wine._

_ "Well I was only speaking the truth." Loki walked back in, announcing dinner was ready. They both sat down, abandoning their argument for small talk about Carol's impending wedding. Dinner passed without incident and she sighed a huge sigh of relief once Carol left._

_ She turned to her husband and she almost dropped her wine glass; pain was written across his face, he was hiding something from her. Her heart begged her not to ask, but she did anyways._

_ "My love, what's wrong?" She asked, her voice trembling. His eyes met hers then looked away._

_ "I slept with Carol." A knife went through her heart._

_ "Pushing everything aside for a moment; why?" He sighed._

_ "I was trying to be a good friend. She's getting married to Bruce and Bruce wants them to have children, but he can't get her pregnant. So she asked me if I could. I have no feelings for her."  
"I see." Is all she could say, her mind was having trouble processing all this._

_ "I would change it if I could go back." She scoffed at his words._

_ "I just can't believe you would do that. Maybe you were right, maybe you have changed." He closed his eyes tightly. _

_ "I never wanted to hurt you. You are the only thing in my life that I truly care about, which is why I didn't tell you. I knew this would happen." She was outraged, but she kept things simple. _

_ "Well you were right. I'm hurt." She walked out the door and drove around for a while. Her head reeling, when she happened upon Carol. She pulled her car over, thinking of what to say when she appeared in front of her, staring at the unfortunate soul._

_ "Illy." She started to say, but she was cut off._

_ "I've been racking my brain, trying to find what to say, but I've decided, words don't suffice." Her sword appeared in her hand, "Time to die." Fear was written across Carol's face._

_ "Illy… You don't have to do this. It was a mistake on both Loki's and I's part, it won't happen again." She took several steps back, fearing for her life, quite rightly so._

_ "I don't fucking care if it was a mistake, I don't like that it happened." Her sword started to glow with energy as she became more and more angry._

_ "It wasn't just me okay? He had a part in it too." Blame the other person, trying to distract her, that wasn't going to work. Oh she'd take care of Loki later, maybe let Tyler at him, but right now she just wanted to kill the woman in front of her. Kill the one person she had hated from day one. All she did was complain about how men left her, and get pregnant. Never cared for others, never thought that maybe what she was doing was affecting them. The fire appeared in her hand and she smirked, today she would rid the world of Carol Danvers once and for all._

_ "He's not getting off easily, I'll take care of him later." Carol recoiled._

_ "Don't do this Illy… What about my daughter? What about Bruce? What about my baby?" Carol asked as she looked down at her stomach. Didn't she realize that was the stupidest mistake she could've done. Tell the wife of the father of her child not to kill her because of her bastard baby? God this woman was thick, she thought to herself. _

_ "I don't give a flying fuck." She said as rings of fire encircled Carol. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and I've been pretty badly scorned. "Carol tried to take a step forward but the fire kept her in her place, far away from her._

_ "Illy.. I know how you feel… Don't you remember, I've been there?" For years Carol tried to make Illyana feel sympathetic whenever her newest guy left her once she either successfully got pregnant or tried to get pregnant, but Illyana did not care one bit._

_ "Don't try to sympathize with me. It won't work, I have no soul, I don't care."_

_ "If you don't have a soul then why are you going to kill me? If you don't have a soul and you don't care about me, then you don't care about Loki." She sent Carol crashing through the nearest wall, temper rising exponentially._

_ "Because I used to care!" Carol sighed and lifted herself into the air. "I'm going to make sure you never go near Loki again." She sent a blast of fire towards her but Carol put up an energy shield, not the smartest thing because you can't protect against yourself._

_ "Did I do that to you when Howard cheated on me with you?" She laughed cruelly. _

_ "Well it's not my fault he liked me better."  
"Well it's not my fault Loki wanted to help a friend." Well you should have asked another man you slut, she wanted to scream, but that wouldn't do her any good. Carol crashed into the ground after she sent a blast of pure energy at her. Once again the other woman glared. She got fed up and teleported them both to limbo where her power increased by tenfold._

_ "You're going to die." She said simply as the combined forces of limbo and the Phoenix whirled around her._

_ "This is ridiculous…" the tears welled up in her eyes as she looked to the blood red sky of the other dimension. "I'm sorry Lierah." Carol choked out in a sob as the fires closed in around her. "I'm sorry baby." She said rubbing her belly softly as Illyana sent a blast of pure energy at her, forcing her to crumple to the ground. A pool of blood appeared underneath her pants and she started sobbing uncontrollably. Illyana glanced at her and teleported out of limbo, leaving Carol to die. She unlocked the door to her car when she felt a knife at her throat and breath on her eat._

_ "You left Carol to die!" A flash of gold bounced off the rays of the sun and she recognized the hiss in her ear to be the voice of her daughter._

_ "So what if I did." She asked, returning the hiss. Her daughter pressed the dagger harder into her throat, drawing several beads of her blood._

_ "She didn't do anything." Her daughter hissed once more, and she knew better than to fight back against the girl she had let train in limbo._

_ "Kalina please." She tried to reason._

_ "Heal this!" She said as she cut a huge gash in her mother's neck. She collapsed to her knees, her hands flying up to the wound as she choked on her own blood. "Don't play games!" She yelled. "Heal!" Nothing happened, and the smirk disappeared from Kalina's face. "I demand you to heal!" She took a step back from her mother._

_ "I-I'm trying." She said, coughing up more blood. Kalina's body went pale as her mother bled from the wound she had inflicted._

_ "YOU'RE TYING?!" Kalina yelled. She tried again, but still nothing was happening. "WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!" She leaned forward, breathing heavily._

_ "I don't know." Her voice said softly as her heart rate slowed._

_ "WHAT DO I DO?! DO I CALL SOMEONE?!" Her skin turned pale as the blood seeped from the wound. "A hospital maybe?" She shook her head. _

_ "Mutant." She said as she coughed more. "They'd dissect me. Stay safe, please."_

_ "No!" She yelled with tears streaming down her cheeks. "I can't leave you here." She wiped them off her face._

_ "You have to! Make sure she doesn't get you father. She'll corrupt his mind." She held her neck, trying to slow the bleeding. "And Kalina, I love you, so much,: She drained her magic to send Kalina away as she bled out on the street._


	9. Chapter 9

Trauma was not something new in her cold life, neither was pain. She spent most of her childhood a slave to one of the most feared Demons in any realm. She knew what pain was. Forced herself to get over it, but when she grew attached to someone, she did it with caution, with hesitation, and only if that person could give her something she needed, such as knowledge, or medicine. How she yearend for the medication of Demons, that stuff could heal anything, but she didn't have enough foresight to get it earlier, and now it was too late, she was too far gone.

_ She struggled against the bonds that held her wrists in place as the demons neared her. They brandished their weapons, not caring that Belasco would torch them if she got hurt. Only the great Demon Lord was allowed to hurt her, and he rarely missed a chance to do that. The first demon approached her and spoke to her in the demon tongue. _

_ "You're his precious bitch." The demon smirked, showing his lack of teeth, scars were visible all over his body, the black marks clearly visible against his black skin._

_ "The correct term is witch." She replied, spitting in his face. She felt no fear, which was stupid, but she was a product of this realm, the young girl she used to be was long gone. The demon dropped his dagger and slapped her hard across the face, instead of recoiling in pain; she laughed evilly. "Is that the best you have, _Demon_?" He went to strike her again, but his arm was frozen in place. Such a shame, he seemed like a formidable fighter. "Light 'em up." She mused as he turned to ash, the fires of limbo decimating him in seconds. The other demons around her looked at her in fear and she beckoned them forward with a nod. "Who wants to die next?" She asked with a devious grin. One demon stepped forward, a sword unlike her own was in his hands, his face set in a permanent scowl._

_ "_Tell me mistress, do you plan on killing the Great Lord?_" His voice was hoarse, but it took her a second to realize, he was speaking in Russian. The other demons stared at him with contempt; he was obviously something else, not from limbo._

_ "_I do._" She replied plainly. He had murdered her mother and father, recaptured her when she escaped to Saint Petersburg, taken away everything she held dear, except the golden ring she hid in the pentagram locket. The Demon did something that startled her, layered Russian and Demonic tongue in the same sentence._

_ "She is to kill the great demon lord! _I will help you. _We must take away his precious witch. _Use your fire on them mistress." _Within seconds the Demons attacked her, cutting her stomach up before she had the chance to call upon the sacred fire. She glared at the Demon that had said he would help her, and then he knew what he had to do. All the other Demons were down on the ground within a second. She nodded at him in thanks and then he cut her down. _

_ "What is your name Demon?" She asked him, abandoning the Russian for another day._

_ "Focalor Mistress." Focalor, she thought to herself, that's a neat name._

_ "How did you come by speaking Russian?"_

_ "I know all the languages in the universe." He said, taking out a charm and applying it to her wounds._

_ "Would you teach them to me?" She asked him and cried out lightly in pain._

_ "Of course Mistress." She smirked, why not._

_ "We'll start once I heal." He nodded and her eyes shut against the pain._

Physical pain was easily to master, it was all in your mind of course, along with emotional pain, but there was something about emotional pain that made it more complex. When she felt emotional pain she remembered everything about that person, everything they had done to wrong her, and she cringed. That relationship usually suffered, if not shattered. It was because of that reason that she tried to keep as many people away from her, because in the end where were her friends? The love of her life? The men who had professed their love for her? They were elsewhere.

_She sat on the edge of her bed; her thoughts were everywhere as she heard his footsteps on the stairs. His ex-wife, well she wasn't really his ex, was back in town after being declared missing several years before. They never really talked about her, or her ex who died while she was pregnant. When they were ready they could talk about those two people, but not before. No doubt someone had told him of her conversation with Tony the night before. Their wedding was only a few days away and she didn't know if they were going to proceed with it now, the way he looked at her when he thought she wasn't looking made her heart scream out in pain. His fist made contact with the door as he knocked lightly. She used her magic to unlock it and he walked in, looking directly at her._

_"Illyana, we need to talk." He said and she sighed softly while nodding._

_"Yes we do." He made his way over to the bed and sat down next to her._

_"Nothing has changed." She looked him in the eyes, trying not to betray everything she was feeling at that moment._

_"It feels like it has." Without hesitation he started explaining himself._

_"I was alone and I wanted to get back at those who had stripped everything away from me. The Avengers. I developed my army stronger than its ever been before. I was strong. My mind control powers still worked and I continually used them on people. One of them was Miss Carter." She nodded._

_"I see." She said softly, giving him the floor to say more if he wanted to._

_"I was merely using her to hurt the soldier. I didn't realize that I-I was capable of feeling something else." She looked him dead in the eyes._

_"You loved her." _

_"I- I don't even know anymore. Did I? I thought I did." He said taking in a deep breath as he continued to explain. "And I was foolish to believe that she would care for me in return." He started to get emotional and she felt like maybe they shouldn't have started talking about her. "She did, but only because she was under my spell. There was no way she could love me." She bit her lip to prevent herself from saying that there was no way anyone could not love him._

_"I love you." She said quietly. " I love you for who you are Loki." He looked deep into her eyes as a smile came to his lips._

_"And that is why our love is real." She couldn't hide a small blush from rising on her cheeks and she smiled from the statement, but as quickly as a smile came to his lips, it was gone. "She became pregnant after my promise to her to be queen when I ruled." That was something Tony had asked her about, if he had said he would make her his queen. She didn't care about that, but Tony had pointed out that Loki had made Peggy his queen, or his soon to be queen, in a short time. This did bother her, but she pushed it away. "Illegitimately, we married. But it didn't even work… or count. She disappeared a few months later." He heaved a heavy sigh. "I never saw her again. Until now." Hesitantly she leaned forward and kissed his cheek._

_"I'm sorry." Was all she could manage to say, he swallowed sadly and looked away for a minute._

_"And now she does not remember anything. I suppose it is for the better." She shook her head. _

_"It's not for you. You're upset."_

_"Of course. She comes back, with my child mind you, and does not remember anything." He sighed and she felt her heart turn to ah. "But I have you now, and that is all that matters. Do not think any differently."_

_"You're still upset. That doesn't change. And frankly I would be too." He shook his head as she wrapped her arms around him._

_"I will be fine. If I didn't have you, I do not know what I would do." Pulled him into a tight hug, never wanting to let him go._

_"I'm not going anywhere." She said softly, even though they both knew that this relationship wouldn't last, their love might, but she was human, well mortal, she was going to die no matter what. He hugged her back with a smile._

_"Thank you love." She kissed the top of his head._

_"Always Loki." _

_"I don't deserve you." She laughed lightly._

_"But you have me, and that's all that matters."_

_"I honestly couldn't live without you. I love you so much." She thanked her lucky stars that he wasn't reading her mind because she thought that that wasn't true. He could live without her; he just had to find someone else out of the billions of women who made him feel happier than he was with her._

Men always seemed to pick her out of the crowd, it was like a curse. There were times when she wanted to be alone, single, then a handsome man would make his way over and win over her emotions. All they wanted was her body, most of the time. Few stuck around for a very long time, with the exception of three Loki, Barney and Strange. They were always there for her, even after Strange's death. He saved her life numerous times from beyond the grave. Save me now Stephen, she thought to herself.

_She sat in a chair as the party went on, the couples dancing with one another as the bride and groom kissed each other, swaying to their own music, lost in the romantic moment. Her blonde hair was braided in a complex manner that even she could not remember how to replicate it, but it went with her customary red dress which was simple but stunning. She had donned black stilettos that matched the black chord she wore around her neck, the gold ring was hidden under the fabric of her dress but she didn't need to worry, the original owner had forgotten about it long ago. The slow dance music dwindled to an end as the couples made their way back to their seats. She paid little attention to the bride and groom, her friend's boyfriend had backed out of the wedding just days before so she was the replacement for her plus one, not that she minded, but it meant she knew next to no one. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the flash of a navy blue suit that had gold embroidery, he might have ditched the red cape and collar, but she knew who he was right away; he whispered something in the ear of one of the band members before walking away. She scanned the room, not knowing why exactly, but found nothing out of the ordinary, he was gone, then it hit her; the scent of his cologne. A smile crept across her lips as she stayed in her seat._

_"Ms. Rasputina," He said softly, whispering in her ear, she turned her head slightly. _

_"Doctor." She said in response, but he wasn't finished, he offered her his hand and smiled._

_"May I have this dance?" He asked, and at that moment the band resumed playing music, it was upbeat, but no one got out of his or her seats to dance, their eyes were fixed on her and the good doctor. She took his hand, knowing she could not refuse._

_"Of course you can." He kissed her hand as she stood up, leading her to the dance floor. He counted them in mentally; the dancing lessons her mother gave her were finally coming into use._

_"Have you ever danced before?" He asked right before they started, she shook her head. "Why?"_

_"I've been waiting for the right partner." She said as he pulled her close, stepping forward as she stepped back, the drum beat in common time, or 4/4 time. He smirked as the Latin influence came to light as the song progressed, his hand easily slipped from her waist in to the small of her back, easily pulling her flush to him as the moved as one around the dance floor, their steps in perfect sync. She added little flair steps as they danced and in return he spun her. All eyes were on them and people started to whisper, but she blocked them out; for once she didn't care about what people were saying. The song seemed to go on forever, she didn't mind at all though; his electric blue eyes provided enough wonder to keep her enthralled for hours. _

_The people in the room continued to stare at them as the music slowed down, indicating the end of the song. A smile tickled his lips as he dipped her, she used her outside leg to wrap around his knee, keeping her balance but also ensuring they'd still be close when he pulled her back up, and they were when he did. _

_"Have you found the right partner now?" He whispered in her ear, a shiver ran up her spine as she started to answer but found his lips on hers. Everyone started clapping at the spectacle but she didn't notice, her arms found their way around his neck and his arms wrapped around her waist. In a flash of magic that resembled her own they were teleported away, his lips were still on her when they arrived at their destination, his master bedroom. He unwrapped his arms from her and she gasped lightly from shock. He was a good kisser._

_"I think I have." She said in response to his earlier question as he turned her red dress to shreds. He smirked, wrapping his arms around her again, kissing her passionately. Then laying her down on the bed and climbing in on top of her. _

Everything she cared about was gone now; she was all alone, dying in a room in a house that was secluded from all the heroes. In the neighborhood she lived in she was the single Russian woman who didn't own a car or didn't spend much time maintaining the perfect appearance of her house. Her magic took care of that as she dealt with the illness that was now taking her life. They knew nothing of the warrior, the Demon Lord, the fiery spirit that lay beneath her polite appearance, and she hoped they never would.

_ She seriously couldn't believe herself, she had only been on a blind date once before but in her defense she had no idea it was a date until they got ditched by her best friend and his brother. Yet Peggy claimed he was an old friend of hers, and that he was a real gentleman, so she decided to go for it, she had nothing to lose. She sat down at the bar, trying to clear her head when she felt a pair of eyes on her. She didn't turn around, but as odd as it sounded, she recognized that gaze. The footsteps grew nearer to her seat until a hand reached out and grabbed the one next to her. Dark brown hair along with a dashing smile and a mustache were visible out of the corner of her eye, her lips turned up in a smile._

_ "Howard Stark." She said with a laugh, of course it was Howard, he was from the 40s originally, as was Peggy._

_ "Illyana Rasputina. You never called me back after our last little chat." Her eyes widened. Shit, she said to herself in Russian, he laughed and nudged her playfully. "If I was angry at you I wouldn't have agreed to come and meet you." She laughed nervously._

_ "You knew it was me?" She asked softly. He nodded._

_ "I did, Peggy told me right up front." She put her head in her hands._

_ "I had no idea it was going to be you." He ordered some scotch, just like Tony, and she continued drinking her vodka. She was going to need it. _

_ "How have you been Illyana?" He asked as he took the first sip of his drink, she sighed internally. She was a mess, a wreck, mentally unstable._

_ "I've been good, you?" He looked at her curiously._

_ "Lonely." He said simply._

_ "That's never a good thing." She said as she took another sip of her vodka._

_ "That's why I agreed to go on a 'date' with you. Plus I find you interesting." She laughed at the flattery. _

_ "You are too kind Mr. Stark." She said not knowing what kind of name basis they were on._

_ "It's Howard, Mr. Stark is Tony." He laughed, and she cracked a small smile. "Well this isn't going well Howard." He muttered to himself and she laughed._

_ "I'm not a very social person when it comes to one on one, don't worry yourself, you're really nice Howard. I just am more accustomed to, let's say more violent beings." She took another sip while he eyed her curiously._

_ "'More violent beings' what's that supposed to mean?" She turned the chair to look him in the eyes._

_ "Demons, it means Demons Howard." His eyes widened and she thought they were going to pop out of his head. "I'll show you." She said, standing up and grabbing his hand, immediately his fingers were laced with hers and she held back a kiss. A portal opened mere inches in front of them. He gasped lightly when she pulled him into the portal. _

_ Limbo materialized around them instantly, the fires close enough to radiate heat. "So this is where you live?" He asked her._

_ "Most of the time I live in Moscow or New York, but I spend some time down here. Those," she said pointing towards a group of shadows on a ridge in the distance, "are Demons." She began walking towards them and he followed._

_ "Are the dangerous? I mean, will they kill you?" He asked his curiosity getting the better of him._

_ "If they get the chance, yes." She said, he stopped her, as they got closer, his arms wrapping around her waist protectively. "I've been dealing with Demons since I was a young girl, I know how to fight them." She said and his arms relaxed somewhat._

_ "Just be careful." He said as she summoned her sword, walking towards the Demons. _

_ "If you're careful, you get hurt." She said, trying to ease his mind as the first Demon approached her, each hand had a sword at least twice the size of hers, but she was unfazed as she took him down easily, and then the others in quick succession. The adrenaline coursed through her system, rendering her unfazed by the gaping wound on her stomach. When the last of the Demons in that group dropped to the ground she walked back to Howard, each step becoming more and more painful, he saw the gash and ran towards her, catching her as she fell._

_ "Would you like to go out, on another date sometime?" He asked as she laughed lightly._

_ "I would love to." He pulled her close as she used her magic to heal the wounds, and found herself kissing him._


End file.
